Founding Charter of Dartmouth Revised

By Joseph Regan | 3/4/16 6:31am

There is a curious room just to the right of the Baker library entrance (the one that opens onto Tuck Drive). If you haven’t yet been inclined to step inside, I encourage you to do so. For if you do – if you more than flick your eyes inside while you walk past on the way to the misery of studying or waiting interminably in the KAF line – you will see some interesting things, foremost among them Dartmouth's Founding Charter.

If you have the eyes of a hawk, and are capable of deciphering the writing of the chicken apparently contracted to write this document, these will be the first words you read:

George the Third, by the grace of God, of Great Britain, France and Ireland, King, Defender of the Faith, and so forth, To all to whom these presents shall come, greeting:

Whereas, it hath been represented to our trusty and well-beloved John Wentworth, Esq., governor and commander-in-chief, in and over our province of New Hampshire, in New England, in America, that the Reverend Eleazar Wheelock, of Lebanon, in the colony of Connecticut, in New England, aforesaid, now doctor in divinity, did, on or about the year of our Lord 1754…

pacts with the devil

Either way, Dartbeat thought it was time the Charter got a twenty-first century makeover. We took the liberty of “updating” our founding charter so it goes a little something like this:

KNOW YE, THEREFORE that We, considering the premises and being willing to encourage the laudable and charitable design of spreading #swag among the #flawless people of our American wilderness, and also that the best means of #gettingslizzard be established in our province of New Hampshire, for the benefit of #fuckbois everywhere, do, of our special grace, certain knowledge and mere motion, by and with the advice of our counsel for said province, by these presents, will, ordain, grant and constitute that there be a #rocketcock erected in our said province of New Hampshire by the name of Dartmouth College…
And further, we do, by these presents, for us, our heirs and successors, create, make, constitute, nominate and appoint our #basic but well beloved #KeggytheKeg, doctor in #brewology, the founder of said college, to be #onfleek, and to have the immediate care of the #turn up of such students as shall be admitted into said Dartmouth College for instruction and education in how to #rage; and do will, give and grant to him, in said office, full power, authority and right, to #throwshade and nominate, appoint, constitute and ordain, by his last will, such a #squaaad as he shall choose to succeed him in this #lit role for said Dartmouth College; and the person so appointed, by his last will, to continue in office, vested with all the powers, privileges, jurisdiction and #nochill of a president of said Dartmouth College; that is to say, so long and until such appointment by said last will shall be #rekt by the trustees of said Dartmouth College…
To have and to hold, all and singular the privileges, advantages, liberties, #aesthetic and all other the premises herein and hereby granted, or which are meant, mentioned or intended to be herein and hereby given and granted, unto them, the said #baes of Dartmouth College, and to their successors forever. In testimony whereof, we have caused these our letters to be made patent, and the public seal of our said province of New Hampshire to be hereunto affixed (#YAAAASSS). Witness our trusty and well beloved #Yoncé, Esquire, Governor and commander-in-chief in and over our said province, [etc.], this thirteenth day of December, in the tenth year of our reign, and in the year of our Lord 1769, #or nah?


Joseph Regan