College Rankings After Dark: Sex, Partying and Brains

By Hayley Hoverter | 9/29/15 4:27am

It’s no secret that Dear Old Dartmouth dropped in rankings this year, according to a U.S. News and World Report that ranked it 12th in the nation. Speaking of numbers, we’re about to turn this post up to 11 and talk about how we stack up with the other top 20 schools on what really matters — attractiveness, writing, partying and sex drive, using some data from our good old friend OkCupid.
Much to our dismay, our least favorite tiger’s writing skills are more than good… they’re actually great. Sorry. In addition to dominating the U.S. News rankings, Princeton students’ OkCupid profiles are above an eighth-grade reading level, the highest of any school. Makes you question if this is really the highest grade level… but the data doesn’t lie. So be sure to read some Harry Potter before your next date, because apparently middle school vocabulary is where it’s at.

So where does that leave us? Can Dartmouth students really not write good? We’re actually ranked fifth, which means that of the Ivies, only lost out to Princeton and Harvard. Shout out to all of our Writing 5 professors for playing this role in our love lives! I guess there must be something in the air (besides the dust) at Sanborn.

How ‘bout dat drank? Apparently we’ve lost our reputation for being the party Ivy, because we’re only ranked seventh for partying. Come on, guys. Keggy the Keg, where art thou?

Brown comes in at number one for most cray, where 58.6% smoke marijuana and 91.1% drink. I guess we might have to give them that one. U.C. Berkeley is ranked number two, where 56.8% smoke marijuana. At Washington University in St. Louis, students are ranked third for partying, and 69% of their students are above average in the U.S. for self-confidence. They also have the highest caliber messages on OkCupid. Are these two correlated — is confidence the key to having good relationships? Or is everyone just looking for something fun to do in Missouri? The verdict’s still out.

Apparently University of Chicago isn’t where fun goes to die at all, because they’re ranked number four for partying (wut?). We actually beat Yale, which came in at eighth. At least we beat Columbia. Harvard is ranked 15th, which might be surprising for anyone who’s seen “The Social Network” (that was a documentary, right?). Stanford drinks less than any other top school – only (only?) 73.6% drink. Nerds. Penn beat us by one spot — we’ll call it a draw.

I know that at this point, the question on everyone’s minds is still, aight, but are we hot or not? Um, that’s actually a loaded question. The survey defines attractiveness by how many likes and passes users have on OkCupid. Yale ranked number one for attractiveness (but that’s not cool, they have a inordinate amount of Kennedys). For attractiveness, Dartmouth is ranked number 11 again (is this rigged? Wait, Cornell is eighth? This is definitely rigged). All I have to say is: on a scale of one to 10, OK Cupid? ;)

Regardless, we beat out Princeton (15), Harvard (17), University of Chicago (18), MIT (19) and Caltech (20). Apparently we all should have gone to Vanderbilt, Brown, Duke or WashU because they’re all right behind Yale for best looking students. Is it too late to transfer?

Here’s the part where I pretend that my parents won’t be reading this post… our lowest ranking yet is for sex drive. We were ranked 19th among the 20 schools. Yale is ranked number one, where 8.9% of students are more attractive than the national average.

Brown is number two on the list, where 72% of survey participants said that they would be willing to have sex on the first date. Princeton had the highest percentage of virgins surveyed (36%), whereas only one person at Caltech attested to being a virgin. Apparently Dartmouth students masturbate the least of any of the top schools (are we being honest?), compared to 44% of Yale students who love themselves at least once daily (the highest recorded).

If you took anything away from this post, it should be that 2.1% of Cornell students think that the earth is bigger than the sun. I really hope they didn’t put that in their dating profiles. Although to be fair (assuming these people weren’t all trolls), the sun does look pretty small from the earth.

Hayley Hoverter