Dartbeat’s Revised Dimensions Schedule

By Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff | 4/21/15 3:44am

The third weekend of Dimensions begins this Thursday, and campus is excited to welcome all of the new ’19s. Unfortunately, it seems as though someone in the Admissions Office seems to have distributed the wrong schedule. Luckily, we @Dartbeat were happy to step in during this time of need to give prospies the true Dartmouth experience.

8:00 a.m.- 9:30 a.m.
Registration: Pick up everything you need for Dimensions!
Collect your piece of flair, spork, pong paddle, translation guide, fracket and anything else you might need for your visit.

9:31 a.m.- 9:32 a.m.
Look at the Sky!
Please take this chance to comment on how beautiful a day it is — all sun and blue skies. Now might be a good chance to change into a sundress and/or salmon shorts.

9:32 a.m.- 9:33 a.m.
Look at the Sky!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING PUTTING SHORTS ON IT’S SNOWING! Let this be a lesson to you. Put your supplied fracket on you naïve kitten.

9:45 a.m. – 11:30 a.m.
Liberal Farts Tour
Get acquainted with the campus on an intimate level. Discover the places that really matter: which bathrooms have single stalls secluded enough that you can make your deposit without the stress of running into your last dfmo (that’s “dance floor makeout” for all you ’19s).

12:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m.
Visit Classes
Visit a wide range of classes including:

Linguistics 01 All students must become fluent in two languages at the College: one of their choosing as well as that of Dartmouth lingo. Sit in on drill as a student snaps at you until you understand what trips, blitz and FoCo are.

Anthropology 15: More Paddles, More Fun Learn how to play pong so that you can begin to passionately defend it to all of your other friends who play ’ruit.

Gov 08: Mastering the Self-Call Otherwise known as a humble-brag, the self-call is an important step to becoming ~a-side~. In this class you will learn that it’s not about reaching your goals, it’s about everyone else hearing about it.

Econ 18: The Meal Plan Learn how to most economically game the DDS system — what’s the best value? How do you remember to use all of your meal swipes?

English 40: The Flitz Master the craft of the flitz to maximize your chances of not embarrassing yourself.

History 02: Scandal at Dartmouth Learn about Shonda Rhimes, one of Dartmouth’s esteemed alums while we simultaneously try to reestablish our brand.

Hanlon 01: Academic Rigor This class meets at 6 a.m.

4:30 p.m. – 5:30 p.m.
D-Plan Showcase
This information session will include: how to explain that you are not suspended — you are just on an off-term — coming to terms with never seeing your friends from high school again and coping mechanisms for dealing with the 10-week term.

5:00 p.m.- 7:00 p.m.
Dimensions Dinner Hours
Enjoy a mediocre meal during this three-hour period at FoCo ’53 Commons. Enjoy your first FoCo cookie burn before learning that these cookies are a dangerous mistress, and must be respected as such. Use a napkin.

9:00 pm-11:00 pm
Dimensions @ Night
Come stand uncomfortably near other prospies and make the friends of a lifetime day-time. Witness as we aggressively try to prove that we are in fact nothing like “Animal House” (1978), until it is a respectable time to go to bed.

Grace Miller, The Dartmouth Staff