Things We Could Replace KAF With

By Stacy Livingston, The Dartmouth Staff | 8/6/14 11:07am

As December draws closer (what) and with it comes the date when KAF may forever disappear from our lives — and by disappear I mean that you’d have to drive a whole six minutes to the factory in Norwich — I’ve started brainstorming a list of things that could replace KAF, and maybe, dare I say it, be even better?

1. A giant foam ball pit

Courtesy of CBS, via

Just imagine — your own little Chuck E Cheese-style corner of the universe, without the constant concern that maybe some little kid’s poo is just beyond your reach.

2. Puppy store


For when the new frat puppies enter the awkward adolescent stage.

3. Lair for TMNT

These Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Courtesy of Nickelodeon, via

Not these ones. Look at this guy. He looks like he just knocked on your door with a pair of panties you left in the dryer expecting you to thank him.

Courtesy of Nickelodeon, via

4. Bank of Hot Pocket vending machines


Since Novack is so concerned about KAF stealing its turf…

5. Zorb arena

If you don’t know what a Zorb is, watch this video of a newscaster getting squashed by one.

6. Nap room – like Google


This would put an end to all of the overworked freshmen passed out in Novack.

7. Cone of silence for screaming about midterms


Just let it out, man.

8. Gladiatorial combat center

Courtesy of Lionsgate, via

Don’t pretend, I know that this is what you Sociology majors do for your theses.

9. 24-hour Taco Bell

Courtesy of Taco Bell, via

So that this can replace late night EBAs, and food poisoning can replace the self-loathing you feel the next morning.

10. New GDX pit

Courtesy of 20th Century Fox, via

Pictured: You entering the current GDX pit.

Stacy Livingston, The Dartmouth Staff