Stuff Dartmouth Kids Like: Nobody Rages Anymore
I have no witty introduction for this installation of Stuff Dartmouth Kids Like, except to say that this week’s theme revolves around the fact that we Dartmouth students are very nostalgic and love to talk about things that once were, but are no longer. Just look at this column’s title. Everyone in the past was a better version of who we are now. They drank more beer and rallied faster. Anyway, let’s cut to the list.
Yes, Blitz had its flaws. Its small mailbox capacity meant you had to delete blitzes constantly, but that also meant you were forced into organizing your inbox. I have since stopped religiously culling useless blitzes which means that I now have 23,129 blitzes that will probably stay undeleted for the rest of time.
Also, Blitz was instant. INSTANT. I cannot stress this enough. Blitz’s immediacy meant that you were literally having a conversation. It was considered rude to not respond to a blitz right away if you had already engaged in a conversation. The extent to which underclassmen really do not understand Blitz culture was illustrated to me last fall when I blitzed my ’15 lab partner in my class asking for our data sheet. He blitzed me back. Five. Hours. Later. Also, there was the time a ’15 took my luggage off the Dartmouth coach and instead of responding to my blitz asking when I could get it from him, FRIENDED ME ON FACEBOOK and blitzed me back the next day. That is not okay. It would not have happened if we still used BlitzMail.
So, in conclusion, RIP BlitzMail. Goodbye to its casualness (blitzing “sloptart” is always going to be more fun than Leslie.Z.Ye.14@Dartmouth.Edu), goodbye to those pop-up notifications (they always screwed up your full-screen Netflix watching/Robot Unicorn Attack playing but also let you know right away whether you needed to open a blitz immediately or ignore it until you next wanted to speak to your group about that presentation due tomorrow) and goodbye to the hilarity of blitzwars after some rube forgot to suppress the list.
Also, after my class graduates, not a single student on campus (minus the engineering fifth-years and super seniors, I guess) will know that at one point in Dartmouth’s history, you could type “me” into the "To" field and get an email from yourself. That is sad.
Homeplate’s closing down has provided endless fodder for three classes of The Dartmouth’s staff to complain, and I take pride in joining those ranks. I understand that we, the ’14s, already got a watered-down version of the place because apparently there used to be booths and plates hung up on the wall. To that I say that a lame Homeplate is better than no Homeplate at all.
I once lived my best life eating teriyaki salmon with brown rice from the grill and Pavilion fries with ranch dressing for a whole week. I wonder what Oprah would have to say about that. Remember those little jars of candy near the registers with the wax paper bags? You could order RIBEYE STEAKS from Homeplate! And the paninis. What is up with that weak excuse for bread that we get at Foco? Where are the waffle fries? Sure, the smokehouse turkey panini still exists, but it just doesn’t taste right without those fries. Also, I have no idea how to grill my panini to make it just the right temperature.
Well, at least we still get the cookies. If they ever got rid of those, I think there would probably be a riot.
Okay, so this isn’t technically a thing that has disappeared, but really, Dartmouth? Collis Market? Adding some carrot sticks and frozen pizzas to the cooler does not give you the right to rename what is basically a convenience store a “market.” I get that being in the basement of Collis means that “Topside” is an inaccurate name and also that by the time I came along it was no longer really Topside, but if one day I swipe my card and I get asked “Dash or Collis Market?” I will know that the apocalypse has come.
Just kidding, the old FoCo sucked. Except for the sandwich bar, which has now been replaced by an anemic, baguette-lacking version of itself, it had really no redeeming qualities. Apart from that, I have no quibbles. Way to go, Dartmouth!
On a side note: I just realized that all the things on this list, minus Blitz, have to do with food. I don’t know what that says about me but I’ll let you figure that out.