Dear Freak of the Week,
I’ve been having a mini crisis the last few days. My friend has been dating this guy for a long while, and honestly, he’s just mid. It’s not like he’s particularly evil or anything, he’s just a very average man and I think she deserves better. Anyway, the other day she told me that she had finally decided to break up with him. Yay! The bad news? Apparently, she tried to do it, and he just said, “No.” And she said, “Okay!” And now they’re still dating! What do I do to make sure that they finally split for good? Is it even my place to do so?
Sincerely,
Asking for a Friend
Dear Asking for a Friend,
Well. Wow. Unfortunately, I can’t say this is the first time that I’ve heard of someone refusing to get broken up with, but I think the last time I encountered this situation was either 1) in middle school or 2) as a running bit in a sitcom. There are so many things wrong with it as a move — why would you want to stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Seriously, what is the end game? There’s little or no point in speculating, though, because your friend’s boyfriend is clearly not thinking rationally about the situation.
First, let’s untangle the sticky question of accountability, because I think this might give us the most trouble. Obviously, you can’t really make your friend do anything. It sounds like you are a trusted confidant of hers, however, so you can make your feelings about the situation clear. I would be cautious about this, though: Make sure not to insert yourself in this situation too aggressively. Right now, you’re a friend who can offer your support. If you get too involved, you risk becoming the annoying person who keeps pushing your friend to do something she might not be comfortable with yet, and that will push her towards her boyfriend, ultimately preventing you from accomplishing your goals.
Why do you think your friend backed out of the breakup when her boyfriend rejected it? Is she afraid of confrontation? Did she just not want to deal with him being ridiculous? In the case of the latter (which I believe is most likely), you might want to offer your assistance. If you have reason to believe that the man is being totally unreasonable and might just be bullying your friend or taking advantage of her kindness, you could offer to go with her, simply to be present while she talks to him. Try to avoid talking to him directly at most costs. If you think she just wasn’t firm enough, then you might want to stay out of it and tell her to take two.
Alternatively, if your friend decided to stay with her boyfriend because she had a sudden change of heart after talking to him, you can rest assured that relationship won’t last much longer. I don’t see many happy couples who have a “we almost broke up but then I talked her out of it” story, and I don’t think this will be the exception. If you feel strongly, you could tell your friend that you thought she was right the first time. I don’t know how much you’ve trash-talked this man already, but a little bit more never hurts.
Either way, I think they’ll be breaking up very soon. The best thing you can do is just remind her of the absurdity of the situation, and be there for her when it actually happens. I hope they split soon for your sake! There shouldn’t be any mid men to spoil a beautiful Dartmouth spring.
- Eli
Dear Asking for a Friend,
The main issue here is that your friend is a people-pleaser. Clearly, even if your friend was in love with this man, he wasn’t satisfying her needs. Then, when she decided to break up with him, she gave in to his refusal.
Needless to say, many people are upset when they’re being broken up with. Of course there’s going to be backlash. The issue was not that he said “no”; it’s that she didn’t stand up for herself.
So, I encourage you to speak to your friend. I think it is totally your place — nay, your responsibility — to do so. Maybe she can’t admit it to herself, but she would be better off single or with a better guy than she is with a guy who isn't good enough for her, whatever that metric may be.
Don’t frame it around attacking the guy, because that will bring her closer to him. Instead, say that you care about her and her well-being. Then, ask her why she was okay with not breaking up when that was her intention in starting the conversation. I bet she’ll just say that she felt bad, or that it was easier to not break up. Those are not good reasons to stay in a relationship.
Don’t try and push her to end the relationship. Instead, simply prompt her to ponder why this relationship is not working for her. I think if she feels more firm in her decision, she will go through with the break up.
Either way, I’m certain that the breakup will happen before you know it, and you’ll soon have your friend back. Good luck with the conversation!
- Leila
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He studies government and creative writing. He publishes various personal work under a pen name on Substack (https://substack.com/@wesmercer), and you can find his other work in various publications.
