Freak of the Week: jealousy, jealousy

Dear Freak of the Week, 

My boyfriend and I are currently in a long distance relationship. He’s been making a lot of friends in school, which is great, and I recently met a group of them when I went to visit him. One of them, his closest friend, was  cold and weird towards me. It also seemed to me like she was flirting with him the entire time. I didn’t mention this to my boyfriend because I’m not particularly worried about it, but ever since I left it’s been kind of bothering me. He sometimes texts me and says “I’m doing [xyz]” with the friend and it kind of pisses me off. What should I do? Do I say something to him, or do I just leave it be because I trust him?

Sincerely,

jealousy, jealousy

Dear jealousy, jealousy,

Do you leave it be? No! Just reading this is stressing me out immensely. Let’s cover a couple things first: I can already see how some people read this: He goes to school somewhere else, meets a girl; they become close friends and he automatically starts cheating on you. I understand not giving the man the benefit of the doubt here, but I may have a hot take when I say that I don’t necessarily think that it’s weird or bad that his closest friend that he made is a girl. I firmly believe that people of the opposite sex can be friends with each other. Some things to consider: Does he hang out with girls frequently at home? How did he meet her? If the relationship seems organic enough, I wouldn’t read too much into that on its own. However, the other dynamics you described are concerning.

Being cold to you and then flirting with your boyfriend is a vile combination that’s as old as time, and I’m getting mad on your behalf just thinking about it. It also puts you in an objectively sucky position –– do you say something about it to either of them and risk looking delusional even though you’re just standing your ground, or do you just let it happen, despite the fact that it might breed contempt between you and your partner?

Despite how angry this would make anyone, it’s imperative that you think rationally about this and keep a level head. If you don’t say anything about it, you risk letting it sit as a tension point in your relationship (which it clearly already is). You might start taking your frustrations out in other ways, which is never good. This could leave your boyfriend’s new friend as the shoulder to cry on for him, and of course she’ll say that you’re being crazy for no reason. Even if you think you trust yourself enough not to let this situation fester bad feelings, you’re wrong. You already wrote to us about it, which means that you’re thinking about it enough that it matters.

So, you have to talk to him about it. Even if you’re frustrated. I would just be levelheaded about it. Definitely bring it up on a phone call, and just say something along the lines of, “Hey, I noticed during my visit that [friend’s name] was being a little bit weird to me. Have you noticed anything about your relationship with her that might be off?” I also think it depends on what kind of guy he is. If he’s totally clueless about these things, you could even be a little bit more bold and tell him directly: “If you haven’t noticed, your friend is definitely hitting on you.” 

There’s a chance he immediately hears your concerns and says that he will stop spending time with her, or spend less time with her. There’s also a world in which he denies or minimizes it. If this is the case, ask him to be mindful about it, and check back. If he still minimizes it, then we’re at an impasse. Are you close with any of his friends who are with him? How might they react to you asking for a second opinion –– there’s a chance that they totally agree with you. Otherwise, this might merit another visit and then a more serious follow up conversation about it if you still feel the same way.

Ultimately, if it still upsets you in a significant way and you feel like he’s not taking it seriously, it’s your right to draw a clear boundary and ask him to stop talking to this person. If you really trust him, I would encourage you to think before immediately jumping to this. If he doesn’t see what you see, it might drive a wedge between you, even if you are right.

This is the type of thing that would drive anyone crazy. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if you trust them. I don’t think it’s likely that he’s keeping this girl around because he likes her back, or because he knows that she likes him and he enjoys the attention. I think he’s likely either unaware or sees it partially, but still values her deeply as a friend. It’s just a matter of what you’re comfortable with, and how much you believe he’ll do the right thing.

- Eli

I applaud you for being so chill about this situation. Personally, I’d nag him until he confesses.

You should talk to your boyfriend for your own sake. It's never a good idea to hold grudges against someone you’re dating. Soon, you’ll start getting bothered by other things he does that have nothing to do with this friend, and that’s unfair to him.

In this instance, I would encourage you to trust your instincts. If you’ve been dating your boyfriend for a long time, I’m sure you know well enough by now how most of his friends act around him. If you sense something is off, something probably is.

It also doesn't really sound like you trust him. I get that the story is focused on his friend and how she’s flirting, but if it’s bothering you so much, it sounds like you don’t trust that he can stay loyal. 

I feel like I’m always advising communication in this column, but right now I am not only encouraging it, but also imploring you to have an honest conversation. Otherwise, resentment will build and you’ll surely break up soon. No one wants that! This is an easy fix. 

Just be real and say that you’re feeling a little insecure, and see where the talk goes. I’m sure he’d understand. Of course, if he gets defensive, that’s a red flag. Either way you’ll get answers.

I’m sure he didn’t even realize how much this was bothering you, and will be glad that you brought it up. Good luck!

- Leila