Freak of the Week: Groundhog Day Boyfriend

Dear Freak of the Week, 

I’ve been dating this guy for the majority of my time here at Dartmouth. In the beginning, it was exciting, but now? It’s giving “roommate I occasionally make out with.” He puts in effort when there is something wrong, but once the relationship gets to an okay spot, he stops again. He’s perfectly content to rot in Baker-Berry or Foco with me, but if I want a real date or an ounce of spontaneity, I have to beg like I’m asking for a grade change. Leaving feels more complicated than staying, so I’m thinking I just say “fuck it, we ball” and stick around. How can I fix this?

Sincerely,

Groundhog Day Boyfriend 

Dear Groundhog Day Boyfriend,

I don’t mean to be too combative, but my first question is simple: Why is staying more complicated than leaving? The fact that you guys have been dating for the majority of your time at Dartmouth makes me concerned that this might be a situation where you are staying with this guy because breaking up feels scary. 

If you are staying with this person purely because you don’t like the idea of being single or are afraid of being single again, then your answer is simple: You should deal with the short — maybe medium — term pain of breaking up with him and being single, and then look for someone new who is putting effort in. It’s important not to confuse a relationship going stale with someone who you simply don’t like that much.

If you’re still convinced that it’s worth it to stay with this person, it honestly just sounds like a bad case of Dartmouth Rut Syndrome. I think we’ve all definitely experienced this before, especially near the end of term, and especially near the end of winter term. It’s March and it’s still cold, and it’s really really easy to fall into a set routine that requires minimal effort; the path of least resistance.

Another question –– is there an asymmetry in effort, or have you both fallen into the rut? If you are putting in effort and being spontaneous and he responds like a limp corpse, this is super frustrating and definitely cause for concern. However, if you have also fallen into a routine, he may just think that you’ve both come to an unspoken agreement that you are satisfied with the way things are right now.

Although I’m not positive, I’m willing to bet that he’s probably just adjusted to his routine, and probably oblivious to your concerns. Whether this obliviousness is valid or not is an entirely different question, but the solution to this current situation is simple. Be stern and be direct: You want to see more effort from him, and if not, bye bye. If this doesn’t get him to shape up, then I don’t think the relationship is going to work. 

As relationships get longer, it can become more difficult to maintain spontaneity and keep a sense of newness or excitement. If you both like each other enough, it’s certainly possible to keep things fresh. It’s just a matter of if that’s true for you two.

- Eli

Dear Groundhog Day Boyfriend,

This sounds like the classic mix of a sunk-cost, freshman-fall and relationship of convenience — a common occurrence at Dartmouth.

First: the sunk-cost aspect. You’ve been dating him for “the majority of your time at Dartmotuh.” Dartmouth is the type of place where you have a routine and stick to it. You get your daily Collis breakfast, you go to the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you do your readings before bed. It’s hard to imagine a life where that regimen is gone — especially when it comes to relationships.

You probably have your own routines that you’ve been doing for a long time. And you probably feel like all of your time spent together means that if you broke up, the relationship would become time wasted. But that is not the case. Every relationship teaches you something, and just because he’s not your forever person doesn’t mean it was a waste of time. 

Then there’s the freshman-year relationship bit. When you’ve been dating someone since early in your time at Dartmouth, it starts to feel like his life is yours, his friends are yours. In brief, you lose your own identity a bit. It’s scary to imagine a life without these things. 

And, of course, the biggest trap of all: the relationship of convenience. A classic. You live 10 minutes away from each other, you go to the same parties, the same dining hall. Why not just date? It’s pretty nice to have someone to come home to on going-out nights. This is the biggest trap of all because it keeps great people in relationships that don’t fulfill them long term.

At the end of the day, ask yourself: Why do you want to stay in this relationship? Are you still deeply in love? Is this working for you and your growth? It sounds like this guy is more of a nuisance than a partner. When you look back on college, what do you want to think about? All of the cool things you did, or some dud of a guy who kept you down?

- Leila