Freak of the Week: They Always Come Back

Dear Freak of the Week,

I broke up with my long term girlfriend a few months ago. She initiated it, although I think we were both feeling that it was getting stale and that neither of us were putting in the same amount of effort anymore. Recently though, she’s texted me a couple of times and seems to want to rekindle things. I’m kind of torn because she initiated the breakup, although I think I might want to get back with her. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Big Mistake! Huge!

Dear Big Mistake! Huge!

Here’s the hard pill to swallow: they always come back! So this behavior is not surprising. Most people, even if they’re the ones who initiated a breakup, will come back at some point. So how do you handle it?

Your goal should be to not text her back. This is to ensure that you don’t slide back into old habits for no good reason. And, of course, so you can keep some of your dignity. 

Judging by your language, it doesn’t sound like you’re still in love with her and want to get back because you know that you both made a grave mistake. It sounds like you’re just lonely. Take a step back: in the short term, maybe getting back together with your girlfriend could be nice. But in the long term, either you’ll end up more heartbroken or just waste time with someone you know you don’t mesh with instead of bettering yourself or exploring other people. 

For the first time since the breakup, it’s your move, so think carefully. What decision will you be proud of? I would advise that you wait a little bit of time before doing anything. You’ll likely figure out exactly what you want, and since this was a long-term relationship, it may be better anyway to be single for a while.

If you did decide to text her back, test the waters with something neutral like a coffee. But maybe make her buy it for you.

- Leila

Dear Big Mistake! Huge!,

To me, this question is all about effort. The key here is that you broke up because things were “getting stale.” Look back on your relationship and do a postmortem. Why were things getting stale? Was it because you stopped putting in as much effort to either your relationship and yourself? If you don’t trust yourself to answer this question honestly, talk to trusted friends to get an outsider’s perspective. 

I would also encourage you to truly analyze how you feel as a single person. It can be hard to evaluate whether you actually “miss” someone specific, or if you just miss the comfort of being in a relationship. So, after a couple months, do you truly miss this person, or do you just miss the stability of a relationship? Have you tried dating since you’ve been single, or have you had interest in people/have people expressed interest in you that you might consider pursuing? 

My first instinct is to be a spiteful “I told you so” type of person here and tell you to say “good riddance.” But maybe you  didn’t appreciate what you had. If you simply stopped putting effort in, and now genuinely miss this specific person and don’t have much interest in others even after significant time apart, then I’d definitely consider giving it another shot. One could argue that getting back with this person could make your relationship even stronger than it was before, since you appreciate the fact that you missed them.

There’s also another side to this, though. Getting back together with this person could breed spite if you feel as if they are just coming back to you because they realized they couldn’t do better. Did they break up with you because it was getting “stale,” or because they thought they could upgrade? If you are someone that might be prone to thinking that they simply moved on to find something better, this is a conversation you need to have. Ask them honestly, why did we break up in the first place? And see what they say.

Ultimately, the good news here is that you have the power. I know it might seem tacky, but I think we can all admit that’s an objectively great feeling. I would remind you not to make a rash decision either way because of this feeling, however. This situation requires an honest reevaluation of why your relationship ended, and why this person is coming back to you.

- Eli