Dear FOTW,
I’ve been seeing this new guy, and he seems nice and all, but he has one weird quirk. Sometimes in the morning when I’m over at his house, he’ll get in the shower and be in there for as long as two or three hours. Don’t get me wrong, I like long showers, but this seems exceptionally long to me. I once confronted him about it, and he just responded with a throwaway sentence like “oh yeah, you know me, I love my long showers.” Am I the only person that thinks this is exceptionally odd? What should I do?
Love,
Shower Thoughts
Dear Shower Thoughts,
I don’t know about you, but I would personally love it if I had two or three hours that I could waste on something like a shower. To answer your first question, no, you are not the only person who thinks this is a little odd. When I stay in the shower for more than ten minutes, I frequently feel like my skin is getting so prune-y and saturated with water that it’s about to fall off. I can’t imagine what it would be like to spend three hours under that hot water.
This whole thing is strange on its own, but it’s even weirder considering that he does it while you’re at his house. Maybe I just have trust issues, but he is not worried that you might rob him or something while he takes his luxurious shower? Beyond that question, I also think he’s neglecting the very obvious option here: Why doesn’t he invite you to join him?
A brief Google Search tells me that in a recent study on showers, researchers excluded showers that lasted longer than an hour because of a concern that they might skew results. So, your new link is certainly a statistical outlier. I can think of two explanations as to why he’s doing this. One, he genuinely has three hour long showers. And he trusts you and doesn’t think it’s weird to let you just sit there while he enjoys his time. This is certainly possible. Another option might be that he’s avoiding you. It’s possible that he’s using conspicuously long showers as a signal to tell you that it’s time to leave in the morning. This would, in my opinion, be just as bizarre as the more innocent explanation. But I think it’s possible.
What to do? I know you said you’ve already kind of “confronted” him about this whole thing, but I’d press him a little bit more, and I would make a joke out of it. Are you seeing another girl that you’re meeting up with in the bathroom? What’s your water bill? Giving him a hard time might break the ice a little bit more, and maybe get him to be a little bit more honest about what he’s doing in there.
I’m perplexed as to why you haven’t taken this three hour block to set up a crazy prank in his dorm. But to each their own.
- Eli
Dear Shower Thoughts,
I think my brain is oversaturated with the modern wellness industry, because my first thought was that your new guy is doing a very healthy, hot-to-cold alternating shower routine. If so, can he drop a step-by-step in my inbox?
I don’t think this situation needs an explanation. You said it yourself: it’s a weird quirk. Reflect for a moment. You must have a few behaviors, especially at home, that would seem perplexing to the average person. Personally, I like to eat broccoli for breakfast and keep my alarm all the way across the room so I have to stand up and get it when I wake up to ensure maximum awakeness. We all have our unique ways of living.
His unwillingness to see his quirk as abnormal honestly just seems like typical-oblivious-man behavior. I wouldn’t read too much into it. Judge his behavior a bit when he gets out of the shower. Is it a look of guilt because he is secretly calling another girl in there and using the sound of water to drown it out? Body language alone is a strong indicator of what happens in those three hours. I agree with Eli that there is a tiny chance that he is using the shower to avoid you, but that is honestly way freakier behavior than a long shower.
You should ask, with a hint of curiosity, what he’s doing in there. Seriously. Or just hop in. Maybe he’s a thinker. Or he really is a wellness warrior. Or he has a very complex curly hair routine. If that is the case, once again, can he please email me? I swear I will not steal your man — my hair is just in dire need.
Of course, if his long showers bother you, you’re always free to leave.
- Leila
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He studies government and creative writing. He publishes various personal work under a pen name on Substack (https://substack.com/@wesmercer), and you can find his other work in various publications.
