Dear FOTW,
I’ve been casually hooking up with this man, and we’ve had an only-physical relationship up until now. However, he was in a car accident last week — while on his way to see me — and was in the hospital for 1-2 days as a result. I texted to check in, but I heard from mutual friends that his fraternity brothers have been talking shit about me because I didn’t visit him. He hasn’t texted me since, either. I’m not sure what to do. Help please.
Sincerely,
Guilty Conscience
Wow, I hope he’s okay! This sounds like a very scary situation. It also probably sucked for you when you thought you were going to get to see him and then he never made it there. That would certainly kill the mood.
First of all, I want to stamp out any worries about him not responding to you. I really wouldn’t worry about his lack of communication — he got into a car accident that was serious enough to hospitalize him for multiple days. I’m sure he’s just communicating with doctors and family members, and his casual hookup is probably not at the top of his list.
To be honest, I’m kind of a mixed bag about whether you text him again or not. You don’t want to overwhelm him, but you also want to show that you care. If he still hasn’t texted you after a week or two, then it might be time to send another kind message: “Hey, just wanted to reach out and say that I’m thinking about you/hope everything is ok! Let me know if I can do anything for you.”
Yeah, maybe visiting him would’ve been a nice gesture, but you’re also not dating and you said your relationship is purely physical. How could you have known that he’d want that? If one of my casual hookups came to visit me in the hospital, even if I was on the way to her place at the time of the accident, I think I’d probably be freaked out. Unless he’s expressed clear interest in you beyond what your relationship is, then I also don’t think you should be worried about him getting mad about it either. It’s probably just his friends talking shit.
Now, I think there’s a curse possibility. Might he think that you have some kind of bad juju because he got into an accident while coming to see you? It’s possible, especially if he’s superstitious. He could also be unreasonable and mad about you not coming to visit because he has deeper feelings for you. Although both of these options are possible, I wouldn’t waste your time reading into it.
What you do now depends on how much you like him. If you like him and feel bad about not visiting him, maybe try another kind gesture. Cook him dinner or make him cookies to drop off. If this is really just physical and you don’t care all that much, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Barring extraneous details (Did you pressure him to come over? Was he driving while under the influence?) it’s not like you’re responsible for the accident or anything. Shoot off another text and see if he responds.
Again, I hope everyone is okay. Friends shit talk all the time.
- Eli
Dear Guilty Conscience,
Wow, way to make someone else’s car accident about you. He was on his way to see you? Was that really an important detail in this story that involved this poor man ending up in the hospital?
The dilemma you’re facing is one that many of us will face at some point in our lives: are we there yet? There, as in, the place where it is appropriate to visit him in the hospital? To drop him off at the airport? Go on a real date? Are we at an emotionally deep place?
You probably didn’t visit because you didn’t know if it was your place to. Hospital visits are personal, and he never made it clear that he wanted more from you. Imagine the embarrassment: woman shows up to check on her man that she is, gasp, in a purely physical relationship with. You dodged a bullet, sister.
The fact that his friends are gossiping about it says more about their immaturity than anything about you. They are filling in the blanks that you, admittedly, don’t understand yourself. And of course his fraternity brothers are going to gossip about their best bro’s hookup. Unfortunately, it’s par for the course, and a problem I’ll solve in a different column. Don’t take it to heart — your decision is yours. Own it.
A text to check in is more than enough. You ain’t got no ring on that finger. Have you two even gone on a real date? That’s what I thought.
My advice would be to send a follow-up, or maybe see if you can bump into him. Use me as an excuse; tell him I hope he’s okay. If he still doesn’t respond, take that as the universe telling you to look elsewhere.
- Leila
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He studies government and creative writing. He publishes various personal work under a pen name on Substack (https://substack.com/@wesmercer), and you can find his other work in various publications.
