Dear Freak of The Week,
A girl I met somewhat recently is very clearly into me, but I’m not sure I reciprocate the feelings. She’s a lot of fun, but it’s not something I could see going anywhere. She has already made a pass at me, and I respectfully turned her down. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Look Don’t Touch
Oof… awkward! The spurned lover is the subject of many art and pop culture artifacts, but so often neglected is the person pursued. How should they feel? Guilty? Nothing at all? The mystery is left up to the individual.
How to turn someone down is a pretty straightforward question, but this is a bit complicated given she has already “made a pass” at you. Although, I’m not sure exactly what you mean by that. I’m going to assume that she made a very obvious attempt to either hook up or begin some kind of romantic relationship with you. Being on the receiving end of this when you’re not interested can be very hard. You worry about the feelings of the person pursuing you, but you also have to factor in your own comfort. This type of situation can also lead into more serious conversations about consent.
I think the problem here might be that you were too respectful about turning this person down. Obviously, it’s good to worry about the other person’s feelings in this situation, but you also need to make sure they clearly get the message. Personally, I wouldn’t continue to openly express interest in someone if they turned me down. I like to assume that most people are fundamentally good, so I don’t think this person would continue to pursue you either, knowing that it might make you uncomfortable.
If she tries to make another pass at you, that would be the perfect moment to be firm and clear in your lack of interest. Maybe text something like “Hey, I appreciate your interest in me but I’m not really into it. I would love to be friends though!” You could also just say something similar in-person, but maybe add some context if you decide to do it in regular conversation. Hopefully this time they’ll get the message. If they continue to pursue you after that, you might want to consider more serious measures to prevent them from making you uncomfortable.
Sorry you have to deal with this awkwardness. Good luck and keep turning heads!
- Eli
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He studies government and creative writing. He publishes various personal work under a pen name on Substack (https://substack.com/@wesmercer), and you can find his other work in various publications.
