Hot Takes: The Week of Heavy Drinking

by Max Zhuang | 10/3/16 12:10am

I love that sports and heavy drinking traditionally go together really well. No, I’m not talking about the type of drinking Dartmouth` students associate with heavy drinking (i.e. Keystone in a fraternity basement).

The drinking I’m talking about looks more like sharing a pitcher of nice beer in a Montreal sports bar. Drinking a beer while viewing any sport is so American its practically a constitutional right. Huzzah, to sports and heavy drinking.

5:00 p.m. Sept. 26, LeBron James admits fearing for his son’s life — I know what you’re probably thinking: oh no, Max, not another racially charged topic. It’s Monday and so it’s too early in the week to dive into the significance of it all. I’m not going to, but I do think that it’s really nice to see that LeBron James isn’t a robot.

If you haven’t seen the press conference, LeBron talks about how he’s scared that one day his son will get pulled over and that even though he teaches his son to be respectful to police officers, he’s worried his son won’t return home.LeBron was passionate about something for once that wasn’t just the basketball court or Michael Jordan or some inane Amy Schumer movie. I really hope that he owns the race issue in America today because I think that it’s the right thing to do, but also because it could really cement LeBron as one of the greatest athletes in American history.

3:24 p.m. Sept. 27, I got the new “NBA 2K17” game — Five words: “2K” is really freaking cool. More than five words: I want Charles and I want him now. When is Charles Barkley going to be in this game? This game also makes it too easy to get charging fouls.

The Golden State Warriors are too overpowered, but it’s still cool since I’m a Warriors fan. Now I know what it’s like to be a New England Patriots fan! And to the rest of you schmucks emotionally invested in a mediocre team, I fall asleep laughing at your pain.

8:04 p.m. Sept. 28, Joe Flacco’s wife gives birth to the couple’s fourth child in five years — We’re talking back-to-back-to-back-to-back here. Joe, give the woman a break.

11:49 p.m. Oct. 1, Minnesota Gophers’ Jaylen Waters ejected for hit on 258-pound kicker — Joey Julius is the morbidly obese kicker for Pennsylvania State University, which played against the University of Minnesota Gophers this weekend. Big Toe Joe, that’s what my buddy who goes to Penn State, Willie, calls him.

Although it’s kind of sweet to have a fat kicker, Willie was pretty sad this weekend to see his big friend get absolutely destroyed by the Gopher’s freshman special teamer Jaylen Waters. Go back and watch the hit because it is absolutely vicious. So vicious in fact that Waters was immediately ejected from the game. Let’s do a case study on what happened.

12:00 on the clock, Second quarter: Julius kicks off the ball and starts rumbling down the field.

11:57 on the clock, Second quarter: Julius literally starts getting in a fist fight with Gopher’s number 35, Waters.

11:56 on the clock, Second quarter: Waters is not happy about the confrontation and wrestles down the big guy.

11:55 on the clock, Second quarter: The kick returner is brought down at the 20-yard line.

11:54 on the clock, Second quarter: Julius remains spazzing out. Confrontation over.

2:30 on the clock, Third quarter: Julius kicks off the ball and starts rumbling down the field, again.

2:28 on the clock, Third quarter: Bang. Waters hits Julius straight on and knocks him out.

Immediately the penalty flags are flying everywhere the benches almost clear. This was a big hit and no one thinks it was fair. However, reviewing the facts, I think there’s a very simple lesson here to be learned. Don’t start something you can’t finish. I applaud Waters for the hit because I’ve been sick and tired to see Julius lumbering around making tackles.

He’s a kicker and so when he gets hit, he gets treated like one and whoever hits him gets kicked out of the game. I don’t think that was the right call.

First, the hit occurred straight on so it wasn’t a cheap shot. Secondly, Waters is 6 feet 3 inches tall, 255 pounds. Thirdly, Julius is 5 feet 10 inches, 258 pounds. It’s a fair fight and Julius needs to learn his place. You’re a kicker. Do your job. Kick the football.

Also, I’ve been writing my column in the periodicals a lot lately and I must say there’s a lot of cute women in the periodicals. Shoutout to the periodicals.