And this is always how it happens. It feels as if we laid our heads down to rest for just a single moment, and now we’re waking up eight weeks later. Is it really the eighth week of the term? Is today really the final Coffeehouse Concert of the term? Is “Legally Drew” finally almost upon us?
While we still have these final boons to look forward to, it is hard to forget about the trials and travails of this morbid winter term. Shortly after our glimmering endorsement, Jeb Bush’s campaign burst into flames as the “sad Jeb” meme spiraled out of control and doomed his candidacy. Of course we prefer to imagine this as a correlation over causation situation, but also, of course, we know better than to believe it. Joe started the term wealthy, with three digits in his bank account. He now scarcely has enough to keep his Spotify Premium account active for another 30 days. After a rip-roaring start to his college career, Hank entered the term on the precipice of achieving the elusive Phi Beta Kappa status. Now he has dropped a class and is the proud owner of a “C’s get degrees” mentality.
Fortunately, we have managed to channel all of our heartbreak and disappointment into a useful accomplishment whose memory will last us a lifetime. Yes, you may have guessed what it was. We hiked the Fifty for the fourth consecutive term.
There have been a few other things this winter that have managed to put a smile on our face. The video revealing the colors of the College’s new residential houses. But even with the silver lining that is W-2 season, we have learned the most painful lesson adulthood can teach us: Everyone is always trying to take a piece of the pie.
As formal season approaches, the Riding the Pine boys have taken widely varying approaches to finding dates. Hank has gone with the tried and true method of taking his long-term girlfriend to formal. On the other hand, Fish is experimenting with a potentially more volatile strategy of sitting on the fourth level of the stacks and visibly playing Hearts against the computer with “Infinite Jest” open on his desk in hopes of intriguing fellow academics. So far, this plan has yielded little return, and it appears that Fish may be forced to employ an even more dastardly tactic – taking Victor Anesu Muchatuta ’16 to formal just as “friends.”
While things may seem dire, like wiggling worms, we think that we’ve found our way out of this predicament. With Hank’s W-2 windfall and Fish’s well-honed investors’ savvy, we’re going to beat the markets with a ballsy, pure arbitrage, alpha stock-picking strategy. Here’s our advice to our readers for free. Two words: Buy Apple. This blue-chip stock has nowhere to go but up and somehow the morons on “Wall Street” are too distracted by Tim Cook flipping the government the bird to hear the good news. We envision, nay, we guarantee, you will double your net worth in the next six months if you heed our clarion call.
To briefly detour into the world of sports for our contractually mandated 150 words, we’d like to pitch you a failsafe investment on the hardwood. If you’re a fantasy basketball player, or a general manager turning to two college idiots for advice, now is the last chance to scoop up Jimmer Fredette of the New York Knicks before the rest of the basketball community catches on. In Jimmer’s first game after getting called up from the D-League, he made a bang that resonated throughout the entire NBA. One shot attempted, one shot made and three points to his name.
Jimmer Fredette is on the New York Knicks for the next ten days, and he will not stop cooking. That is a Riding the Pine guarantee. The Knicks’ strategy of constantly having intriguing white players on their roster this year seems to have suckered us in yet again. Just after we started to think Kristaps Porzingis had jumped the shark, the squad picked up the electric MVP of the D-League All-Star Game to carry them home this season. If Fredette and Porzingis hang out together after practice, the Big Apple will never be the same.
And for anyone who doubts Fredette’s inevitable meteoric rise, the boys at Riding the Pine have just one question for you. Is Jimmer Fredette really the fish you want to fry?
By this point, you’ve probably realized that this whole article is a thinly veiled attempt to find Fish a formal date and Henry a new friend. If it achieves at least one of those goals, it will go down as a historic success.
We’ll close by quoting our mentor, the man who has provided the light at the end of the tunnel for us this term. As Deepak Chopra once said, “The best way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain. And when you feel the pain and go beyond it, you’ll see there is a very intense love that is wanting to awaken itself.”
