Why did no one get me a vong for Valentine’s Day? The vong may be a far cry from high fashion, and yet it will never go out of style. Speaking of style, did you catch New York Fashion Week?
Me neither. A certain 20-month-old, however, seemed to be all over the fashion week scene. North West was a front row attendee at some great shows, including the debut of her father’s fashion line. If you’ve seen the pics, North — known also by her adorable nickname Nori — didn’t seem to be feeling any of it. Let me just say that if I were in Nori’s position, I certainly wouldn’t be kicking and screaming about it. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again — I wouldn’t mind spending some time on Kim Kardashian’s lap.
But Nori’s not the only small creature who didn’t enjoy the show. Karl Lagerfeld’s cat, Choupette (a past animal of interest in this column), is one member of the high fashion world who has spoken out on Yeezy’s collection. She writes, “@ChoupettesDiary If I wanted to wear tights & leotards, I would’ve had Daddy @KarlLagerfeld sign me up for ballet as a kitten. #NYFW #KanyeWest #SorryNotSorry.”
While writing the above, I had an epiphany — North West is my fashion icon. Despite the questionable pieces in the show, I must admit that Kanye certainly knows how to style his ladies (including Kim, whom he dresses on the reg). I love North’s edgy look and “all black everything” theme. I can’t wait to see what Kanye has in store for her post-toddler style. I hope she keeps this look going forever, though, because I’m obsessed with it. I’m sure by this time next year North will have her own fashion line as Kim and (grand)momager Kris will do anything to pimp out their closest kin.
I hear Kim is a big fan of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books/film, although you wouldn’t know it looking at her boring AF sex tape. According to her online presence, Kim had a private viewing of “Fifty Shades.” Many have been inspired by the BDSM-laden cultural phenomena, it seems. Jessica Simpson uploaded a series of risque photos with her husband, Eric Johnson, which she hashtagged as #FIFTYSHADESOFJOHNSON (yes, in caps). My question is as to who took these pictures because they ain’t selfies. Thanks for sharing your intimate moments with us, Jessica!
I know you all want me to go off on another Kardashian-Jenner tangent, but I won’t stoop to the level of the feuding Kourtney and Amber Rose over 17-year-old Kylie’s relationship with rapper Tyga, who is 25. More newsworthy, in my humble opinion, is the arrest of Robert Van Winkle. Who is this man I speak of? The descendant of the fictitious time-traveling Rip Van Winkle? A son of the revolution, whose descendants voyaged to the New World on the Mayflower? That last one could actually be a possibility. Prepare to be shocked. Robert Van Winkle = Vanilla Ice. He burglarized a seemingly abandoned Florida home next to a home he was renovating on his DIY Network home-improvement show, “The Vanilla Ice Project.” Interestingly enough, Vanilla (can I call you Vanilla, Mr. Ice?) allegedly stole a pool heater. Oh, the irony.
Speaking of grown men who have bizzare aliases/who make you want to shower every time they cross your mind, I have some sad news to report about Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. The “Jersey Shore” star’s tanning salon, which just opened in 2014, was shut down by the landlord over unpaid rent. Shame on you, Landlord, for ruining one of New Jersey’s finest establishments. The state of affairs in the state of New Jersey, which I think should be the pride of our great nation but which is sometimes considered to be the zit on the face/facade that is America, is but a reflection of the hopeless future of this cruel world. Maybe that is why people want to take the seven-month-long journey to live on Mars without any hope of ever returning to this planet ever again.
Living on Mars is my worst nightmare. In fact, all forms of space travel seem like the worst level of Dante’s Inferno. I find space travel/the existence of space, which goes on infinitely (something the human brain — or maybe just mine — cannot comprehend) to be an upsetting subject. I would rather live on this rapidly deteriorating Earth!
This doesn’t mean I’m not interested in a fling with an extraterrestrial creature. But they’ve got to come to me.
