As a suburban ecologist, I often frequent the cul-de-sacs and supermarkets of America's middle-class neighborhoods to document the interactions between the prevalent fauna and their environments. However, my latest expedition to a Chicago high school led me to a most unprecedented discovery: a newly developed, evolutionary backward hominid species. I have constructed the following biological species description of Homo infantis, or the high school freshman.
This species exhibits strong sexual dimorphism, but interestingly enough, the females are generally more distinctively ornamented than the males. It has not been established whether this is a learned or instinctive behavior, but females (colloquially referred to as girls) will often smear themselves with various colored muds and numerous small reflective objects in hopes of attracting a mate.
Homo infantis does not mate for life. According to the most recent literature, the species is primarily monogamous, but observational studies have indicated that recreational polygamy is not uncommon among males (see: boys). One can find said high school freshman in his natural habitat, the corridors of their centers of learning. This species travels in hordes, emerging from their classrooms in tight, circular formations.
Come on guys, there's nothing wrong with a little satire. But honestly, it's outrageous how myopic our memory renders us. We don't think about the fact that soon, we too will renounce our seniority and join a 'shmob. It just happens.
In order to further my research, I decided to conduct a more narrative case study on a prime specimen of a just-discovered subspecies of freshman. Sofia refers to herself as a Dartmouth '15, but she is clearly just concealing her true identity.
Sofia has a broad range of interests. The first four nights of the week, she attends meetings for DUJS, the Dodecaphonics, DBJ, the Stonefence Review, EDPA and the Dartmouth Symphony Orchestra. Sophia is like a member of FDR's cabinet she isn't confused by all the acronyms, she simply wants to get ahead in life.
Sofia has many friends. She tries to make time for all of them, but it's really difficult. Sometimes a floor dinner coincides with hanging out with one of her favorite trippees. Sofia knows that all her friends like her because she tries to be accommodating with them. What sort of society would we live in if these efforts were not rewarded? Once Thursday rolls around, Sofia realizes she hasn't called her parents yet. It's been a hectic week, so she hopes they will understand. Also, she had to do so much reading for her first-year seminar. They simply have to forgive her.
It's Friday night, and Sofia is ready to go hard. She wants to let loose and get drunk because getting drunk is the most effective form of stress relief for a college student. But more importantly, Sofia is not in high school anymore. She is an adult and ready to assert her independence. She doesn't have to drive back home, so she doesn't have to exercise control either. College is the best.
Sofia doesn't think about high school much because Sofia has a goal in mind. She will become a strong, successful woman. She will major in economics and government because it works. Sofia doesn't realize that she'll change her major later on. She doesn't realize that she'll drop half her clubs. She doesn't realize that she'll stop going out. Sofia forgot about four years ago.
Being a freshman isn't about primitiveness or naivete, nor is it about the stereotypes perpetuated by upperclassmen around the bonfire. It's about being new to a place, and regaining footing amidst a paroxysm of change. We knew all the ins and outs of elementary school as fifth or sixth graders, but that didn't stop us from screwing everything up for ourselves the first day of middle school. Freshmen are far from Neanderthals; they're fresh, unique and decidedly not sophomoric.
