This is the story of the blackout train.
"I peed myself last night... Not really... Well, kinda." I love hearing stuff like that. I think it's funny. It paints such a pretty picture. "Yeah, so I was having some trouble with my pants, and then my pee hole didn't work quite right, so it just kinda happened." If the basement grime coating my shoes decided to write a Great American Novel (GAN), it'd sound like that.
"Yeah, so I was like hooking up with her, and then I felt like I needed to boot. So I, like, got a trash can, and just kinda missed and it sprayed all over the floor. She was just like, I kinda need to go.'" Have you ever heard such poetry? Has your mind's eye ever seen so clearly? Such beauty is a gift. Treasure it.
The body is beautiful. But you already knew that. Because you've had a crush. And you thought he or she was beautiful. But that body is just a vessel holding fluids. Like a vase. Or a glass half full. Or a glass half empty. Or an airsickness bag.
"She just like, exploded. It was like the heavens opening. So much boot. Like a downpour. Like a waterfall. I thought I might need an ark." To what biblical heights might the blackout train take us? Having glimpsed it, can we ever go back? Can you ever see that girl or that guy again and not recall those former glories? Those bouts of catastrophic creation and recreation and urination and regurgitation? I can't. I remember them all.
"Yeah, we came back and you were just on the floor of the shower fully clothed in a sea of orange, so we just left you there. The girl next door was having really loud sex. It was hilarious. Congrats on the offer, by the way. That's sick." The blackout train makes occasional stops. But only on occasion. And it only stops briefly. It just lets a couple passengers off, picks a few more up. It's getting pretty full. It is spring, after all.
"You treat life like a game. You're going to get hurt." "Games are fun, and I never lose." Some people think that Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby" is the GAN. While Fitzgerald was visiting Dartmouth to write a screenplay, he apparently got so drunk that he was fired. In celebration, we have a party for Gatsby every term. We already have it all. Why not celebrate? A drink never got anyone hurt or fired or anything. Right?
Last term, I totally forgot that I had an interview on a Friday. I was in West Lebanon, buying spirits for an event, when the call came in. It was standard resume stuff to start. Just had to shield the phone when the bottles were clinking. As we were checking out, the interviewer threw a brain teaser at me. I did it on the back of the receipt at the counter. The interview went well.
One of my friends in San Francisco was offered a job at a tech company in the Valley. Some of the investors took him out for drinks. The investors got very drunk. They told him they were going to get him drunk enough to sign. They didn't. They were probably drunk enough to sign something though, because they ended up covering a cab in vomit. Those investors were worth over $750 million combined.
"I don't believe all that stuff about hazing." "Why? Don't you go out?" "Yeah... OK, maybe I do." A bunch of my family and friends have called in the wake of the Rolling Stone article to ask me if any of that stuff actually happens at Dartmouth. I tell them that I wouldn't know. I've definitely never had to drive a girl covered in vomit home. I've definitely never seen a guy wander out of a house naked because he pissed all over his clothes. I've never seen a friend gel his hair with vomit. Definitely not. I've seen that girl give an amazing presentation on interface design. I've seen that guy hit a home run. I've seen that friend get a job at a prestigious firm.
That's all I've seen.
The nice thing about the blackout train is that it runs underground. It's easier to ignore that way. You have to walk down some stairs to get on board. It's invisible unless you know where to look. And that's fine. It's not getting in anyone's way, I guess. I guess it's not holding up traffic. I guess it doesn't really matter too much. You can travel however you like. It can't be in anyone's backyard if it's underground.
Like a basement. Or a gopher. Or a sewer. Or a casket.
