Over break, I spent a lot of time D-Planning filling out Excel spreadsheets with every conceivable course of study available to me over the next two and a half years at Dartmouth. To see this roadmap laid out on paper made me feel accomplished, at least until I arrived back on campus earlier this month. So far, Winter term has me questioning myself and wondering whether I'm getting the most out of my Dartmouth experience.
I probably don't need to tell anyone that Dartmouth is exhausting, but it took me until earlier this term to figure out why. I concluded during this past break that my constant exhaustion must have something to do with my daily schedule. On an average day, I'm constantly in motion. Classes, library hours and time spent at extracurriculars seem to pass by in a furious and repetitious haze. My brain is engaged on some level from the time my alarm goes off in the morning to when I crawl into bed at night. Is this normal?
I look around at friends and other students and see a variety of approaches to managing Dartmouth, each different from my own. Indeed, I have frequently returned to my room at night to find my roommates playing "Skyrim" or watching reruns of "How I Met Your Mother." That they have found time to enjoy such luxuries boggled my mind until I realized that on some level, I am making the conscious choice to prioritize work and extracurriculars over the simple joy of watching television. I'm not sure that I would trade the fantastic experiences that I have derived from participating in various on-campus activities for anything, but that hasn't stopped me from wondering whether I'm doing Dartmouth right.
Maybe my stress is a function of being obsessed with having a plan I'm always focused on my next step, and I find it easier to prioritize when my time is limited. This is a product of my high school experience of always having a clear goal and defined path laid out for me. There was nothing arbitrary or left to chance about the path itself because I was following the standard and horribly uncreative formula for becoming a "well-rounded" applicant and getting into college.
The difference between then and now is subtle but crucial. It's between having "a" plan and creating "my" plan. On a very basic level, devising your unique path for navigating the future is a terrifying prospect. Despite a great deal of soul searching, I don't think I'm any closer to figuring out what I'm doing here. I know where my interests lie, but I remain uncertain about how they will translate into a job, career or lifestyle. So perhaps I've reverted to the same sort of activities I enjoyed in high school music, volunteering, writing as comfort mechanisms that fill up my time and distract me from these big decisions.
At the same time, Dartmouth's unorthodox class schedule promotes this sort of personal and internal discussion because the frequency with which we pick courses forces us to constantly reevaluate our choices. This never ending self-examination is both revealing and mentally draining. Given my propensity to plan and given that the registrar will be hunting me down for a major card by the end of this term I picked classes for this winter that both interest me and will put me in good shape to complete my intended double major. It comes down to thinking, rather than knowing, that I know what I want. I still harbor lingering doubts about how my current course of study will apply to the real world and whether I've been adventurous enough in terms of taking classes that are outside of my comfort zone.
All things considered, Dartmouth students have it pretty good. We're blessed with educational opportunities that many around the world can only dream of. I see that as all the more reason to make the most of what we've been given. Martin Luther King, Jr. famously said, "The time is always right to do what is right." While he was obviously speaking about much larger and more important issues, I wonder whether his words can apply to the personal issues that I've raised here. I'm torn between seizing the moment and remaining where I'm relatively comfortable. Ultimately, I don't doubt that the time is right, but I am unsure of what exactly is right.
