On April 15, I awoke still hazy from a full night of partying to discover that the U.S. Justice Department had shut down online poker. All players' online poker accounts were now frozen. Poker players dubbed it "Black Friday." Coincidentally, I was in Las Vegas being treated to a birthday weekend by five of my closest poker friends. The night before we had gone to the high-end club Pure and received the finest bottle service available, paid for by my friend James. Now James was suddenly unemployed.
Being one of the best poker players in the world had its perks I got to see a number of amazing places around the world and be on television. Celebrities such as former Major League Baseball All-Star Gary Sheffield and the rapper Nelly have sought me out to party, and every tournament has at least one night devoted to partying with models. But on Black Friday, I was at peace with the mortality of my poker career. Under the illusion of glitz and glamour lurks a dark and icy monster that you never hear about.
In the two weeks before Black Friday, James had won and lost $2 million. While this was particularly extreme, daily six-figure swings were his norm. This is the reality in high stakes or "nosebleeds" poker. James lived and breathed poker, often playing 30 hours in a row without sleep. He is, after all, a "degen," short for degenerate gambler. When you're a degen and you lose, it's excruciatingly painful. James copes with this by going on five-day benders. Many play while high on pot, others on hard drugs and only a rare few (myself included) completely sober, but we all sympathize and understand James. James was and will always be a "degen." I can relate, as I used to be one too.
All degens are addicts who only desire to keep playing the highest stakes games in the world. Money's only value is to buy access to these games and keep track of who won.
Degens have two intrinsic competitive advantages: First, they don't get emotional about money and thus make purely calculating decisions. Second, they think about poker 24 hours a day. Not surprisingly, many degens are the most talented poker players in the world.
For a degen, the problem arises with stopping. Since degens are addicted, they possess no "off switch." If a degen starts losing, he won't quit until he's broke or even. And he could be losing for any reason from simply being tired to his wife divorcing him.
While the poker world is sympathetic to degens, it is not forgiving. If someone spots a degen melting down, the professionals swarm like hyenas around a wounded gazelle. Everyone tries to take advantage of the situation. No insult is considered to be too harsh as long as it makes the degen play worse. The other players even avoid playing each other, as it is an unwritten rule that everyone should just focus on taking the degen's money. The second the degen is out of money, the game ends and everyone returns to their normal routine.
Some people, like myself, are able to suppress their "degen-ness," even though it's always there. Others like James are not. Suppressing your "degen-ness" has its disadvantages, as you are more emotionally attached to the money and are less hungry. I myself have always tiptoed the line between degen and sane person.
While I haven't had an episode in three years, having the discipline to walk away coupled with my degen hunger is exhausting. I know if one time I mess up and don't quit, I could lose everything. Now I can say I haven't thought about the game in months. But if I ever played again, that little monster would be waiting, trying to convince me to degen it up.
