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The Dartmouth
April 20, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Through the Lens of Lentz

The combination of the Giants' loss to the Eagles last night and the fact that it is Thanksgiving week means I am going to use my ace in the hole I am going to write about the results of my betting column from earlier this term ("Through the Lens of Lentz," Sept. 27). In other words, I am too annoyed to think of anything else at the moment. Let's get started.

First line: Over/under 9.5 arrests over Homecoming weekend. Prediction: Under. Result: Seven arrests. Translation: Lentz, 1 World, 0.

Back in September, I said there was a downward trend in arrests, and I appear to be right. Students could be getting smarter (whether that means not being drunk enough to be arrested or being smart enough to know how to avoid the police). Perhaps our favorite HPo patrollers are relaxing a bit. Could Dartmouth be reaching a new level of responsibility?

No, Homecoming weekend was still home to just as many shenanigans, as far as I could tell, just not as many arrests. Speaking of shenanigans...

Second line: Over/under 6.5 people touch the fire or rush the field during the Homecoming football game. Prediction: Under. Result: The Dartmouth reported that two students touched the fire and were arrested while "several" others touched it and got away. "Several dozen" students stormed the field at a College-sanctioned halftime rush. So over. Translation: Shenanigans.

I declare shenanigans on the above betting line for one reason: Safety and Security and Hanover Police both actually allowed students to rush the field at halftime. In Vegas, this is the equivalent of a fighter throwing a fight. Lentz, 1 World, 1.

Third line: Over/under 2.5 heavy snows. Prediction: I went with Al Gore and took the under. Result: One, albeit in October. Translation: Lentz, 2 World, 1, for now anyway.

I will be completely honest. I wrote a paragraph or two thinking that I went with the over, before I realized that I had actually gone with the under. I even went as far as to check the 10-day forecast to see if I should delay writing this until next week or next term to win the bet. But it appears I was smarter than I thought in September, and even though I got a little scare in October when it snowed, global warming has come through in the clutch.

Fourth line: Over/under 10 weeks for the Class of 1953 Commons and the meal plan to be fixed. Prediction: Faith in the administration and under. Result: I still do not understand the new meal plan, and nothing to do with the dining situation has changed. Admins, you have failed me. Translation: Lentz, 2 World, 2.

To be fair, Dartmouth is definitely in the process of making changes to the system, and I was overly optimistic that things would happen quickly in a bureaucracy. (I actually wrote, "going against my best judgment here." In the future, I should remember it is called your best judgment for a reason.) So this one is on me. It was a bad line since there was no way things would get done this term.

Fifth line: Over/under 3.5 Ivy Championships. Prediction: Over. Result: Failure (read: one title). Translation: Lentz, 2 World, 3.

Was this too optimistic? Yes. Was I making a sports bet that I had no business making, given the fact that I know absolutely nothing about many Big Green fall sports? Yes. Did I simply make this bet in order to say something good about Dartmouth sports? Yes. And it failed me. Moving on.

Sixth line: Over/under 8.5 nonsensical articles written by me this term. Prediction: Over. Result: Up for debate, but I'll go with over. Translation: Lentz, 4 World, 3. (What? Did you forget about the magic Vegas rule that your last made-up bet is worth double? I didn't.)

To prove my point, let's just go through some of my articles this term. Themes such as me acting as sports czar, another allegory comparing Dartmouth to a professional sports league, a sailing appearance and an article in which I made fun of the color crimson all appeared, to just highlight a little bit of the absurdity. Oh and yes, I did work in the word "shenanigans" (see above). Win.

So now you have seen the sports betting world as created by a Dartmouth sports columnist, where the rules always favor the writer. I would like to thank global warming for my victory, and of course the Dartmouth community only seven arrests. Good Fall, everyone.