Late one night in the bowels of the Sherman stacks, an idea slithered into my brain like a Yeerk. Wait we're not doing an Animorphs issue? WTF?! Fine, I'll try again.
As I wandered across campus early one spring morning, a snowy owl descended upon me and regurgitated a pellet of mouse bones. I spread the entrails out before me and interpreted their meaning: "Through The Mirror Darkly: A Critical Analysis of Wizard and Muggle Academics at Hogwarts and Dartmouth." My interest piqued. I read on
If we were transported into the wizarding world, Russian 13 would be a lab, since witches, vampires and phoenixes would now be the real deal. Don't worry the median is still an A. Durmstrang transfer students lurk in the back of the lecture hall, grunting Slavic folk tales. Baba Yaga guest lectures every term. The syllabus begins with the familiar genre of the riddle and moves to the often mystifying beliefs and rituals of the ancient Slavs and finally to the comfortingly familiar fairy tale. Fascinating stuff.
Flying is officially the sickest class ever. It is always over-enrolled. If you aren't dangling a serious piece of wood between your legs like a Firebolt or Nimbus 2000, you are definitely a Squib. Be sure to ask Madam Hooch for a safety talk before take off.
Beauxbatons biddies flock to charms with Professor Flitwick, so if you know what's good you'll be there too. Be sure to brush up on your French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? Oui? Trs chic! In a discipline where enunciation is key, "Charms 69: Wizards, Horcruxes and Other Cunning Linguists" is a perennial favorite that keeps students coming back for more.
Animal enthusiasts are guaranteed to enjoy Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid teaches students all there is to know about the husbandry of hippogriffs, dragons, centaurs and the devious one-eyed trouser snake. Defense Against the Dark Arts students work tirelessly to engineer solutions to the world's most pressing problems at the Sylvanus school down by the river. Those problem sets can make becoming an Auror a real horror.
Herbology draws students interested in exploring the lush array of flora down to Nathan's garden or the Murdough greenhouses. The department offers an intriguing FSP: "Herbal Essences: Exploring the Budding' Afghan Economy" in Helmand province. Take advantage of this unique opportunity before it goes up in smoke.
In the dank dungeons of Steele you might find potions majors slaving away deep into the night over bubbling cauldrons of mysterious substances. Constantly studying, they hope to perform well on the looming N.E.R.D. exams, which everybody knows are extremely challenging.
Muggle Studies and Socy majors interrogate the "other" and question whether this concept, that class and their majors are even relevant.
Finally, the financially-inclined would no doubt be Divination majors reading tea leaves, bond ratings and the Wall Street Journal in order to grab some galleons, snatch some sickles or, ideally, catch a knut.
