Sometimes, the world benefits from a work stoppage. I'm sure that H-Po wouldn't receive any complaints if its Parking Division suddenly stopped reporting to work. I'm also positive that everyone over the age of 14 would be a little happier if Justin Bieber would stop singing and disappear into prepubescent obscurity.
Some things however, such as Jessica Alba's ShakeWeight promotional video, should never stop. My newspaper-leading record of writing consecutive late articles is also a favorite pastime of mine, but watching professional football definitely tops my list of habitual events.
Taking football away from me is the equivalent of taking away my inhaler when I work out I need both to live. Call me overdramatic, but I know I can't survive an entire fall without America's favorite pastime (and don't say America's favorite pastime is baseball because we all know that's not true). Unfortunately, the process of resolving the NFL lockout is moving slower than Roseanne's time in the 40-yard dash.
Thankfully, Dartmouth's Panhellenic Council remains unaffected by the football work stoppage and still plans on holding its annual flag football tourney this Sunday on the picture-perfect Hanover High School football field. Last year, I had a blast coaching the lovely ladies of Kappa Delta. Unfortunately, I've been told that it is unprofessional to officially report about sports you are directly involved with. In order to adhere to "journalistic integrity," I decided to hang up the ol' whistle and remain a passive observer during this year's contests.
But don't take my neutrality for indifference I fully intend to support the weekend events. Instead of coaching with a whistle, I'm choosing a pen this year. Read on and digest my guide to sorority flag football.
1) Numbers
A flag football team without substitutes is like Blackjack with only one deck. With a singular deck, it's easy for players to count cards and take advantage of the dealer. A team of only a few players in flag football suffers a similar disadvantage. This tournament is a marathon, not a sprint. It doesn't matter how good your starters are if they are bent over wheezing from overexertion. Timely substitutions are required if you want to take home the 'ship.
2) Mouth Guards
Naturally, the girls in this "non-contact" tournament hit harder than that dude in MTV's "Jersey Shore" who took out Snooki. No one wants to look like a middle-aged hockey player at the end of this, so protect yourselves.
3) Swag
I can't stress the importance of swag. Sometimes, mental intimidation provides your team the extra boost it needs for victory. Nothing intimidates your opponents like a chant that ends with "Kill bitches."
4) Inside Run Game
Everyone tries to use speed to spread the field, but sometimes an inside handoff gains more yards. Look at former Tampa Bay Buccaneers running back Mike "A-Train" Alstott he led his team to a Super Bowl without ever making a juke move.
5) Blitz, Blitz, Blitz
Take the Dartmouth email obsession to the field. Stack the box and blitz as much as possible. Pandemonium flusters the opposing team's quarterback and leads to important turnovers.
6) Trick Plays
If you remember the movie "The Little Giants" (1994), you will remember how well the play "The Emancipation of Cuba" produced touchdowns. Be creative in strategy and keep the opposition on its toes.
7) Friends Don't Exist on the Gridiron
It doesn't matter if the girl lined up across the ball from you has been your best friend and roommate for the last four years. If she's on the other team, she's the enemy. Show no mercy and crush her as hard as Elin Woods crushed Tiger's golf career. If you need extra motivation, pretend your opponent is the sister who always eats your food in the refrigerator. No one likes that girl.
8) More Swag
Dance in the endzone, celebrate a big hit and always congratulate your teammates for a job well done. This day only comes around once a year enjoy the hell out of it.
I'm excited to see all the teams compete on Sunday. Panhellenic flag football is always a brawl, and I'm sure that I won't be disappointed this year. Every game is incredibly entertaining, and I highly suggest strolling down to Hanover High to check out the festivities.
