When I first agreed to write a column, I thought, "It can't be too hard, and it has to be easier than writing a story every week."
Yeah, not exactly.
Countdowns and top 10 lists, while fun, are being done by other people on the staff. So the general gimmicks that The D has gotten from Sports Illustrated and ESPN are out of the question. Besides, most lists I would come up with would end with some joke having the house dogs Samson, Murphy and Chief ending up at No.1.
Humorous challenges to actual athletes were my next thought thanks for the idea, Rec League Legends. But besides my embarrassing losses that would inevitably follow, I am both far too lazy and too sore a loser for that.
Conversations with athletes? Probably just ends with me trying to equate my high school sports experience with their college, which is not a very entertaining read unless you like to read about Bronxville High School football.
Which just leaves me with my knowledge of sports, which on this campus is about as unique as a line at the new Foco.
All I am is an ex-athlete, a nonner if you will. I played sports in high school and came here and didn't. I now "play" club lacrosse and "go" to the gym. I am one of many on the Dartmouth campus who, like it or not, are divorced from playing legitimate competitive sports, and that's what I have to offer.
Each week, I'll find something Dartmouth sports-related and talk about it from the nonner's point of view. It will be a sports column from someone who does not consider himself to be playing a real sport, informing everyone else like him.
But what's so good about being a nonner at Dartmouth?
Let me define what I mean by nonner. If you are not on a D1 team, and even in some cases if you are (not going to call out any teams), then you are, in fact, a nonner.
You may be athletic, you may be on some kind of other team, you may like to golf or do something like that. But the days of someone asking you, "Do you play a sport?" and having a response besides, "I, er, umm ... play club lacrosse," are long gone. It still kills me every time I say it. If the conversation is with a girl, you can kind of just see her expression change and not in a good way.
So on a normal day when someone on a sports team gets up at 6 a.m. to work out even in the offseason, us nonners are asleep. Actually knowing what Bruce is talking about in "Glory Days" a few years before they do is a small price to pay.
Also, while it may be humbling to hear what they are actually accomplishing, we get the better end of it. Let me explain my reasoning.
When I told one of my buddies, who is a rower, that I was going to go to the gym to run a little, he said he was too. When I asked how far, he said, "Oh, about eight or nine miles."
I ran two, probably at a much slower pace. Winning.
Recently, I was checking DartmouthSports.com and saw an article on the field hockey team. Congrats on all the academic awards, but you look really cold out there. Good thing the only time I have to go out in the cold is to let the delivery guy in. Playing sports at Dartmouth gets cold really cold and all year round, too (snow in April?).
There is also the dreaded away game on the big weekend. For example, most of the crew team missed last Green Key. Sure, they were off at some regatta competing in a sport they love or not, if you listen to how some of them complain about practice but we are on campus and free to do what we want.
Last club lacrosse season, we played a total of one away game. Yeah, I know, too much, right? But we got some pretty good bar be que on the way back and did not miss a night at Dartmouth. Being a nonner allows you to participate in clubs like lacrosse at your own leisure.
Yes, I probably just described the life of a specific type of nonner most would just refer to as a 400-pound fat guy. But it's a pretty good lifestyle as long as you don't get too carried away with it.
That's not to say I would not play a sport here if I had the chance I would. But the point really is, as one of my friends who recently stopped playing sports here said, "My life has zero structure anymore. I have so much time."
Simply put, yup.