It is with a strange combination of heavy-heartedness and pure, unbridled ecstasy that I sit down to write my last column of 11W. While the loss of a somewhat-relevant public forum will almost certainly result in a blow to my already fragile, self-inflated ego, the fact that winter is drawing to a close has started a fire within me. But true to form, when the one actually somewhat pleasant season for being in Hanover arrives, I'll be traveling south to Argentina, where it will be the fall.
As much as I hope to write this column from abroad, I can make no guarantee about its future for the spring. What I can guarantee is that I will take with me to Argentina the same acute sense of cynicism and appreciation for those daily grinds that chafe us, whether we're in Hanover or Buenos Aires. Make no mistake, the language of chafe is a universal one, and the spirit of "It's Always Snowy in Hanover" will persevere. And as for sports, they play polo down there, right?
And for my last hurrah, I'll turn to my readers
Q: Dear Jack,
First of all, great stuff. I hope you're sending your column to El Pres every week. Anyways, if you could be sick at any sport, what would it be and why?
JB: This is something I have given a lot of thought to over the years, and I have reached my conclusion hockey.
Nothing would be sicker than being a playmaker on the ice. Hockey gear makes you look awesome. Looking like you know what you're doing while skating is also pretty sweet people don't realize how easy good players make it look. Also, love the hockey lingo. "Dangling" for knowing how to handle the puck well, "snipe" for a nice shot and "ankle-bender" or "bender" for somebody who is just awful. Girls love hockey players, too. Why? Their total apathy. They play with missing teeth, stitched up cuts on their faces, bruises, whatever. Hockey players also smell awful, yet they have neither the energy nor the interest to worry about these sorts of things. That's why girls can't get enough of them. They can't seem to figure out why these guys are spending 90 percent of their time in ice rinks surrounded by terrible-smelling dudes rather than paying attention to them, so they go crazy over the players. I was once in a bar in New York City and Sean Avery (New York Rangers) walked in with like three super models who were all around a foot taller than him. That said enough for me.
Q: Based on the name of your column, I assume you are a fellow "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" fan. In your opinion, which professional athlete would each member of "The Gang" be?
JB: Dee Dee has gotta be Danica Patrick because of how she loves taking herself seriously when nobody else does. Just like Dee considers herself to be this great actress who has the potential to be a star, Patrick thinks that just because she won an IndyCar race she can automatically transition to NASCAR and be good. Meanwhile, barely any other drivers respect her, just like how the rest of The Gang treats Dee.
Dennis Who is the one professional athlete who loves himself more than anyone? Alex Rodriguez. They're both obsessed with their own bodies and get made fun of all the time by those around them. I can't help but compare A-Rod's photo shoot for Details magazine (where he kisses a reflection of himself) and Dennis trying out to be the shirtless model on Paddy's billboard.
Charlie Charlie doesn't have much else going for him besides his scrappiness, and he's endearing because everybody likes to root for the guy who seemingly has everything working against him. The easy comparison here is NFL scrapper Wes Welker. Just as Charlie is hilarious because of how hard he has to try to do certain things, Welker is actually a really good football player because of how hard he works and how well he uses his skills despite being undersized.
Mac When I think of Mac, I can't think of anything else except those sleeveless shirts that show his ridiculously disproportionate biceps. Mac is all style and no substance. On top of that, his ridiculous schemes always fail just because of how dumb he is. Who does that remind you of? Jamarcus Russell. This guy was lauded as the prototype for what an NFL quarterback should look like, play like, etc. ... but turned out to be one of the biggest draft busts of all time. He is also apparently stupid, getting in trouble off the field for drinking codeine-laced cough syrup.
Frank Frank is a disgusting, filthy human being who somehow managed to be relatively successful despite having no morals or ethics. He is John Daly. Daly and Frank both recklessly abuse substances, are fat and physically unappealing and love to indulge in excess whenever they can. To make the comparison complete, Frank lives in Charlie's squalid apartment where they share a futon and go to the bathroom in a bowl, while Daly travels around the PGA tour in a trailer.
