With my term abroad coming to a close, I wanted to reflect on everything I've learned while living in the great nation of Spain. Although my grasp of Spanish is still as rough as Jackie Chan's English, I'm proud to say that I've acquired a lifetime's worth of knowledge about the country's sporting culture. I've immersed myself in a foreign land and I'm now reaping the benefits I can actually fit in at a soccer game and I no longer question the rules of rugby.
As a gift to my great foreign instructors, I've decided to write my usual "Term Awards Column" in their honor.
And the "South Park' Go %#$&! Yourself" award for excellence in Spanish vocabulary goes to ... Unin Deportiva Salamanca Soccer Fans.
If you read my earlier columns, you probably know that I'm an avid fan of trash talk and heckling. At most American sporting events, however, using profanity while heckling is generally frowned upon. This is not the case in Spain, where profanity use is an art. Spanish spectators (especially those in Salamanca) constantly spew a relentless chain of bad words and insults that would put tears in the eyes of Eric Cartman. At Unin games, everyone participates in the heckling. Old men, young men and middle-aged women scream insults (in front of their children). During the game I went to, no one on the pitch was spared, either the refs, the visiting players and even the home team received their fair share of contempt. I studied the hecklers, took notes, then eventually took part in the barrage of abuse. I'm now stocked with an entire arsenal of Spanish swear words that would make Lil' Wayne jealous.
The "Manny Pacquiao" award for a big punch in a little package goes to ... Gimnacio Santa Monica.
If you go by American standards, my gym sucks. The Gimnasio Santa Monica doesn't have a smoothie or juice bar. It doesn't have any windows, is always cold and smells like molding milk. It is smaller than a classroom in Dartmouth Hall and is almost as dirty as the TDX basement. Despite the gym's deficiencies, however, I love it. Maybe I enjoy the sense of adventure I get from every visit. Whenever I walk in, I think, "How long will the wait be for a bench press rack?" Or, "Will this finally be the day I get a staph infection from dirty equipment?" I've now been going there for over two months and I'm proud to report that I was always able to finish my workouts (although usually after a 20-minute delay) and I am still skin infection-free.
The "To Catch a Predator" for the sketchiest athletic moment award goes to ... Creepy Homeless Guy.
While one of my female friends was jogging one morning, a sober-seeming (yet still creepy) homeless man made eye contact with her and dropped his pants. Sometimes I miss home.
The "Family Guy' Creepy Old Dude" award for repeated sketchiness goes to ... the same Creepy Homeless Guy.
One day while I was jogging, the same creepy old homeless dude flashed me. Have to hand it to him though, he's racking up the awards.
The "Justin Bieber" award for the absolutely most annoying thing that brings down the reputation of an entire organization goes to ... European soccer players who exaggerate their injuries to get fouls.
Mostly everyone I know over the age of 12 agrees that Justin Bieber sucks. They wouldn't mind if the annoying pop star ended up taking a long walk off a short bridge. There is an equal amount of hatred for soccer players who trip over themselves, then roll around on the grass in agony to get the ball back. While on the ground, the player usually contorts his face into a picture of absolute misery. Such acting gives the sport a bad name and takes away from otherwise very enjoyable contests.
The "Hi, I'm Michael Phelps and I'm Better than You at Everything" award for absolute domination of every opponent goes to ... FC Barcelona.
If you haven't had a chance to see this amazing soccer team play, you're missing out. Barcelona's Lionel Messi is the world's best player, and he is surrounded by stars of the Spanish national team that won the 2010 World Cup. Watching the squad play is best described as watching a fight between Jason Statham and McLovin from "Superbad" (2007). You know who is going to win at the start, but the beatdown is spectacular to watch.
The "Best Off-Term Location" award goes to ... Salamanca.
I'm going to miss Salamanca, but I'm glad I'm walking away with such great memories. Hasta luego, Espaa.
