It's Always Snowy in Hanover

There are three things I enjoy doing in my free time. One is watching re-runs of "Arrested Development" online. Two is falling asleep during the 11 a.m. edition of "SportsCenter." And the only other thing I do when I'm not paying homage to Tobias Fnke or being lulled into a nap by Stan Verrett is think about ways to get more people to read this column.

So I check the most viewed and the latest comments on The Dartmouth's website. I sketchily loiter around empty tables at Collis. And what do I find? All you guys are interested in is smut. You don't really want to read a whole column that's sort of about sports, sort of about Dartmouth culture and sort of about nothing. You just want to know if Hanover Police arrested any of your friends last weekend. You want to giggle about your friend saying something stupid in the Overheards. You want Barstool Sports meets TMZ meets a funny version of the Generic Good Morning Message. And if it was all in some easy-to-read bullet point format, that would be great, too.

I'm willing to compromise with you. And if you promise to be legitimate readers I, in turn, promise to give you what you want. You want scandal? Boom, I'm next-door neighbors with the 17-year-old girl Mark Sanchez allegedly slept with. You want veiled references to underage drinking/frat life? Say no more I joined a fraternity my sophomore fall (I think the guys there are all really swell) and I'd be happy to tell you about it. You want easy-to-read top-10 lists? Perfect, I'm really lazy as it is. And all the while, I'll throw in some sports references so I don't get relegated to The Mirror, which would ensure that my column never reaches the eyes of apathetic sports readers again.

So without further ado, I'd like to announce the inception of the "It's Always Snowy in Hanover" reader mailbag. You send me questions about anything Dartmouth, sports or Dartmouth-sports related, and I'll probably write about it the following week (not anticipating a huge turnout here). Read about what you want to read about. Help me help you. Give the people what they want. Other related generic phrase.

And in the spirit of things, let's get right down to what you're interested in. Right before I passed out during "SportsCenter" this morning, ESPN draft gurus Mel Kiper, Jr. and Todd McShay were fiercely debating the NFL prospects of top NCAA quarterbacks. With the NFL Scouting Combine approaching in late February and continuing to March 1, there is a serious need for over-speculation about what NFL fans expect come spring.

Here in Hanover, with Winter Carnival just wrapping up, we also got a glimpse of some of the elite prospects that will be making their mark on the Dartmouth scene in the future:

1. Chill High School Friend Visiting from Home This guy is the Cam Newton NFL Draft equivalent. He put up crazy numbers in college (he was the man in high school). But doubt lingers as to whether his skills will translate to the pro game that is life. Both McShay and Kiper rank him as a risky, late first round pick. Well you know what? They're right. I thought Chill High School Friend was gonna translate perfectly to being chill at Dartmouth, but it turns out that 2.5 games of pong later, he's running shirtless across the Green and asking if we can go to CVS because EBAs is closed.

2. Alum Who Is Hanging on by a Thread As annoying as they can be, you have to feel for the alums. This is it for them, one of a few weekends to recapture their College glory days and shirk their societal responsibility. It's a feel-good story like Andy Dalton from Texas Christian University, who despite not being elite in terms of physical attributes has demonstrated his capability to be a sufficient leader of an NFL team two or three years down the road. Well, a lot of times people don't have the patience to see this thing all the way through. You feel happy for him when he gets drafted, so let the alum play his first game of pong since coming back but feel free to get annoyed when he tells you the line is four. Get out of here, man.

3. Girl Visiting From Off-Campus This seems like a can't-miss scenario. A JaMarcus Russell-type opportunity, if you will. You had a crush on this girl all fall, but hanging out with her never happened. Now she's coming up for Carnival, she blitzed you all excited about it and it seems like a no-brainer. False. Next thing you know, she pulls the Russell equivalent of testing for codeine by passing out by 9 p.m. You're left to consider starting career backup Bruce Gradkowski instead.