The Drunkest Girls at the Party

by Matt Scott and Emily Duke | 11/18/10 11:00pm

We are both drunk girls, but we also both have penises (what up Lady GaGa). We sink fulls and halves and occasionally (by occasionally, we mean never) get golden tree'd. We were going to write about how pong is the great gender equalizer, but then we blacked in, put down our lemonade Four Lokos and Gusanoz especial and remembered, oh wait, that still really isn't true we are the exception because we are post-gender and mid-alcohol poisoning.

Before we really get into it though, we would like to state: We do like women, we swear over the body of the passed out purse-wielding shark in the rogue third floor bathroom of an unnamed frat.

AND WE WILL REPEAT ONE MORE TIME (we're talking to you judgey parentals spending too much time reading The D and not enough time MAKING US A SANDWICH and getting us WAFFLE FRIES): We're the least sexist of all the humans, we have more important outlets for our time, like figuring out which city we should be homeless in or whose turn it is to put the other one to bed after a night of intense beer tears. Some may assume that we hate on women (all lies) and to them one of us says, "Avada Kedavra." The other is a Hufflepuff and thus too loyal and warm hearted to do it.

Pong is one of the biggest gender dividers on this campus. Probably because if you actually want to play pong you have to go to a fraternity, or KDE or something, but some of us just aren't zany or bold enough to venture into that neck of the woods.

For many pong has been treated like a mating dance, somewhat similar to that of the brolga, the Austrailian bird with the best mating moves of all (just picture lots of head-bobbing and wing- stretching), only more drunk and less fluid. But since pong is treated to some degree as a means of getting yo' touches, a competitive girl isn't always the most appreciated. Aside from this, there even is the common stereotype that girls are bad at pong.

Well obviously, because as we said they (generally) don't have basements, which is kind of essential to playing and practicing.

So, to all of you that still think chicks can't hold table, you who haven't moved on from freshman Fall. Clear our cigarette smoke from your eyes and take note: pong is about friendship, love, hate, jealously, ire and many times severe angst.

That is why it is a perfect game once you forget about assumptions altogether and realize that the only thing that actually matters is how fast you rally after projectile vomiting mid-game. Because being good isn't about the game, it is about your dedication and willingness to succumb to alcoholism.

Anyone can be good at pong. It's all about dedication, kids. And love of the game. And in many cases, a beautiful balance between being a hard guy (and we use that term in a non-gendered context because we're like, soooo PC) and having a drinking problem.

It should be noted that being good at pong doesn't mean sinking a lot of cups or saving a lot of cups or acing or whatever the hell people care about when they're either too drunk or not drunk enough. Being good at pong means not hitting low and not being annoying as hell to play against. Remember that. No one will judge you for your pong skills as long as you don't actively piss anyone off.

We're talking to you, annoying bitches (guy or girl, we swear!) who try to drag your partner upstairs half way through the game for a quickie or a spliff. We're talking to the brah who slam saves when it doesn't hit a cup and fights for it like the evil ginger spawn of Kathy Lee Griffin and Ron Weasley hopped up on steroids and crack cocaine. You annoy people. And you shouldn't. So just don't.

OK sorry about that back to the actual topic Gender and such. Oh and again we swear we don't hate women. We promise.

The only equalizer is Glong (either of GaGa or Glee variety). Developed by the great glittery Gaga herself, considered a revolutionary and overall BAMF (we dare you to challenge this, she will find you and eat your heart), it will one day correct any or all flaws currently plaguing our favorite and only pastime.

OK real talk: we really don't care. We have nothing extremely poignant to say about gender or why that would ever have anything to do with pong. The only thing that matters is whether you are bitch-made or not, and anyone can be bitch-made. So come at us, we're both the drunkest, and don't forget it. In reality, that is all we really know we promise ask our professors, they can vouch for us. So to conclude here are some final words because we've said what we had to say and we're next on table. Everything is broken. Was that sexist?

Whatever, don't care, throw a rocket at us.

Peace out, bitches.Da drunkest gurlz

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