What happens on Thursday stays on Thursdays. Welcome back to Rec League Legends, the most viewed article on TheDartmouth.com for the last three weeks. I would like to personally thank my father, friends and the Refresh button for such an honor.
This week though, I'm dreaming bigger than local love I want a Facebook fan page with over 1,000 female fans, Rec League Legend sleeveless hoodies and every Google search for "Legend" to wonder, "Did you mean: Rec League Legends?" The kind people at Stateline Sports have sponsored this legendage (legendary + pilgrimage = legendage) and will be giving out RLL-embroidered turtlenecks to the first 1,000 spectators at our next Hop lunch. And please check out MyLifeIsRecLeague.com, a site that gives those of the Rec League Nation a chance to share their stories.
Today, I showed up to a pick-up basketball game and scored 17 points. I'm pretty sure there were some varsity players on the other team. MLIRL.
I have, however, just received notice from Commissioner Jim Yong Kim that we must serve our bye this week and not compete against any Dartmouth athletes.
A week off may be beneficial as Tim Connor '13's face remains swollen from Alissa Santa Maria 13's spike in the last Challenge. He went on birthright to Dick's House to retrieve ice, but the nurse-practitioner refused, claiming, "All you Ivy Leaguers come in here with your WebMD diagnoses and try to tell me what medicine to give you."
Connor received an angry prescription of IcyHot and ProActiv, leaving him blind in his left eye but with remarkably soft and healthy skin. This has left him unable to write and forced me to live that Lone Legend life once more.
Without a Challenge or a partner, I still needed to find a way to fill the sacred back-page, a weekly obligation we promised to uphold when our agent (Jim Gusanoz DMS '78) signed our four-term, 50,000 word contract with The Dartmouth.
I proposed a multi-image spread of The Legends wearing various types of UnderArmour. 'Twas denied.
And thus, I have decided to present the first-ever Rec League guide, tips from The Legends on how to live that D-I life.
Read. Learn. Repeat.
- A Rec League Legend can only have one non-Varsity friend. And he better have a lot of DDS.
- A Rec League Legend never buys Dartmouth sports gear. He only receives it.
- A Rec League Legend would rather not work out than work out in Alumni Gym.
- A Rec League Legend has no friends, only teammates.
- A Rec League Legend never goes dry. Except for the Super Bowl. Just in case.
- A Rec League Legend does community service Tuesdays at 6 p.m. He calls it IM Soccer.
- A Rec League Legend roomed with a varsity athlete his freshman year. Then he didn't.
- A Rec League Legend doesn't date other athletes. He only defeats them.
- A Rec League Legend has never won Dartmouth Athlete of the Week. But he knows them all.
- A Rec League Legend doesn't follow Dartmouth Sports on Twitter. Dartmouth Sports follows him.
- A Rec League Legend once lost. But the other guy cheated.
- A Rec League Legend doesn't have a Facebook. He only has athletic equipment.
- A Rec League Legend does not use his article to meet girls. But life happens.
- A Rec League Legend starts a club sport called Winning. He is the only member.
- A Rec League Legend refused recruiting to free up a spot for another athlete. He then walked on. Hero.
I would like to apologize to my fans out there for not challenging an athlete this week. Injuries and byes, however, are an unfortunate and natural part of athletics and if anyone sees Connor, kiss him on the cheek and tell him to keep his head up.
Next week, I promise we'll be back with real sports and real results. Until then, real recognize real. Legends recognize Legends.
