We know, you're shocked. The drunkest girls were asked to talk about a weekend that has nothing to do with anything besides blacking your face out to pregame nothing.
Well, the two of us quickly realized that our memories involving this most holy weekend are scarce and that the most important detail is that this holiday means nothing. The first thing we remembered about Green Key was not a normal holiday emblem like Santa Claus, guilt or veterans but instead a simple memory of jumping out of a Chi Gam window to chase a dog one of us had just decided was the "cutest little puppy in the world."
So we asked each other, "What does Green Key mean to you?"
Let us preface this by saying that if on this gorgeous Friday morning of Green Key, you're sitting there reading this article and you have any kind of a coherent answer to this question, you're a huge bitch.
Both of us responded with very concerned looks that we were about to write an article about something, it seems, we didn't do but instead did us every year. So we proceeded to ask others what Green Key means to them, because frankly, we really don't remember.
True, most of our friends are bigger messes than we are. And true, that last statement is possibly a lie, but big weekends are always a bigger deal for n00bs we prefer Tuesday nights to avoid amateur hour and that weird '13 who played almost three games of tree and pissed on Zete's porch before being picked up by S&S.
We assumed that whatever our friends said they did during Green Key, we had done too. But evidently we were wrong.
One Panarchist '11 immediately responded: "Having sex in broad daylight after too much batch on the Dartmouth Hall steps. If you attach my name to that statement you are dead in the water as in I will kill you and throw you in Mink Creek." While we agree Green Key debauchery sounds like something likely, we resent the implication that these drunkest girls would ever have premarital sex.
Motorious Doh.Er.Ty '11 claimed that Green Key is "a weekend when people chase after alcohol a.k.a. the key to freshman girls' pants get it, cuz they are new, so green' like my dog chases after those key-shaped Greenies we give her to calm her down and then it's stuck under a pillow of the couch and you walk downstairs hours later and the once overstuffed blue (ok green) loveseat is now in ravaged pieces on the floor, fluff spilling out from the seams and my dog is sitting there with the green key in her mouth and head cocked to the side and it's Sunday night."
While we appreciated the run-on sentence, we fear that without the references to freshman genitalia this certainly could not round out the weekend we hold so dear. Hint '13s: Green Key is for streaking. Then a '13 responded with a quote about Dimensions when asked about a weekend they couldn't possibly understand and we cackled from our tanning booth (with Matthew Ritger).
"Old news, I'm pretty sure Green Key started the Wednesday after Winter Carnival," Ryan Marnell '10 said.
Holy hell, now we're getting somewhere the two of us can understand.
And then our handy dandy token Tri-Delt '11 friend finished out the search for a perfect Green Key definition when she said, "Green Key is about, above all else, filling the bouncie castle behind Chi Gam with Andre."
So there it is, faithful readers. Green Key is like any other Dartmouth weekend about getting weird. Go forth, (don't) Good Sam, do a booting circuit and get weirder than you did the weekend prior. Love, the drunkest girls.
