So I thought I had a pretty good idea for this column. It seems like every other night, I'm crushed by many of my friends who say they can't go out because they "have lift the next morning." I usually respond by making a raised-eyebrow face, which pretty clearly suggests, "Fine, but for the record, I think you're being a wussy." (Except usually that last word begins with a p, not a w.)
In reality though, there's not much I can say to them. The fact of the matter is, I don't have to do morning lifts.
Hence my big idea was to see what that'd be like. I was going to have a huge night out, set the alarm for 6:00 a.m., wake up and head to the gym for an hour. I was going to do a running diary on my thoughts and observations throughout the affair, which hopefully would be somewhat funny. Plus, I think it would have given me a good bargaining chip next time my friends wimped out on account of an early morning lift.
I chose to abort the plan, however, for two big reasons. First of all, come on, it would blow. It's a clear case of one of those things that sounds great when you're thinking about it, but its actual implementation would suck. Perfect example: How many times have you started off a term saying to yourself, "Okay, I'm actually going to stay on top of my readings this term so they don't all pile up at once?" (A condom joke probably would have worked here too.)
The second reason I bailed on the idea is that I found a far more pressing issue to address. Inspired by having to spend a bunch of time in the library this week for midterms and The Mirror's latest Etiquette issue, I've decided to compile a list of tips for "How to not be the most annoying kid in the library."
1)Stop telling everyone how much work you have to do. No one cares.
You know how Dartmouth athletes like to talk about their practices? Well, Dartmouth students, in general, love to talk about how much work they have. Seriously, how many times have you heard something like: "Man, I got an econ test on Tuesday, a six-pager due Wednesday and 10-pager due Friday."
It's like, "Buddy, the library is one of the worst places in the world. No one would ever choose to be here if they didn't absolutely have to be. We all have work to do, shut up."
Also, a "pager" is a beeper, not a synonym for "page paper." For some reason though, kids seem to think telling someone that they have a "10-pager" is like a really impressive feat that everyone should know about. Plus, frequently when using the word "pager," kids will stretch and make like an "ahhh" noise right before it, further emphasizing how tough it is.
2)No matter how much work you have, relax. Acting really stressed won't help anyone and is really annoying.
You remember how in cartoons, anytime there was a bull it would breathe really heavily through its nose? That's what I think of every time I sit next to one of these ober stressed-out kids. You know, the kids that are like breathing way too hard probably have six empty energy drinks scattered around their computers and are constantly fidgeting/aggressively attacking their computers as they furiously work. Those kids. If you're one of them, that's fine, but please just go to the Stacks or something.
3)If you're going to chew gum, learn how to do it beforehand.
This one's pretty simple. The library isn't Old Macdonald's farm. We don't need cow-chewing noises all over the place.
I also have advice for the administration and the Student Assembly on how to make the library a little less annoying. For the administrators, change the music. Who the heck picked that weird Jones Media song? It gets played for way too long and is just a terrible song. Look, no one is happy to be in the library at the times they play those closing songs, so why do you have to make it even worse?
And finally, to the Assembly, if you're going to make a point of putting stickers on the staplers you provide by the Greenprints in the basement, how about, just once, they actually put staples in them? Because right now, all those stickers make me do is like the Assembly a little bit less.
