There's a commonly held consensus that there is a massive College taskforce that is charged with monitoring our blitzes. They never sleep, and they lie in waiting for one student to screw up and type "smoke" instead of "sm0ke." And then they pounce! They drag the student away in chains, Parkhurst them immediately and banish them to Siberia.
Oh, wait. That doesn't actually happen. I've watched enough of The Wire to know that law enforcement officials tend (for whatever inexplicable reason) to focus their efforts on the big fish. Even though you're totally badass and definitely deserve to have the entire Baltimore Police Department after you, somehow I just don't think it's going to happen.
Here's an experiment. Write a blitz to a friend that says, "Hey, man. Would you like to do some meth with me at [specific time] in [specific location]?" Then, go to that place and at that time see if you can spot anybody putting their hand to their ear and talking into their sleeve, just waiting to get enough probable cause to arrest you. Nope. There's just normal Hanoverians walking around, doing whatever Hanoverians do.
It's actually kind of funny when people get mad about using actual drug names in a blitz. The best part is that they'll refuse to confront you about it over blitz, because that would be an admission of guilt for whoever's reading your blitzes oh so intently. They'll come up to you a week later at a party and say, "Yo, you can't use the word weed' in a blitz. They can read our blitzes." When you ask for proof that the Parkhurst/S&S enforcement conglomerate is reading your flitzes, you'll get looks as if you're stupid.
"Obviously they're not going to tell us that they read our blitzes. That would defeat the whole purpose."
Yeah, right. Whoever is orchestrating this vast conspiracy would need to hire the guys who faked 9/11 and the Moon Landing as outside consultants to pull this off. The sense of secrecy at this school is about as effective as holding stuff in a sieve. For your information, that means it leaks. I bet that during COS deliberations (no, not like delibs), they have a tally of how many times you reference drugs in your blitzes.
"Well, this student talked about smoking a lot his freshman year. He has a clean record, but we probably shouldn't have somebody at this school who talks so much about smoking."
Y'all are dumb.
But, thankfully, there's a LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. From this culture of stupid paranoia has come a new set of campus vocabulary. Campus lingo is cool. It makes Dartmouth feel special. I know that this is the only place in the world where I can talk about slampieces and morning-after blitzes. It's also the only place where I could ask someone if they want to get some te@ in Collis and they wouldn't be (too) confused.
