It's been said that no one knows what the future holds. False. The future holds robots. In fact, if you're so inclined, robots will hold the future for you. After months (days) of research (lunch at Collis), I have found that the general hope for the future of our generation is that robots will be our best friends forever. Seriously, even though Tom Mandel '11 claims, "there's literally nothing cooler than a floating car," it appears that the majority of Dartmouth students simply fiend for robots. But not just any robot. No, my interviewees were very specific (and mostly high), holding an exact picture of everything their ideal robot would offer. Thus, ladies and gentleman, I present to you the future of technology, the ultimate companion: The Brobot. The Brobot (potentially named Bartholomew) will meet the following requirements:- Has a built-in Hop ice-machine for dispensing both crushed and cubed ice speedily and consistently everywhere.- Comes complete with a built-in political correctness detector, assuring your blitzes will not warrant future forums again.- Will single-handedly bring high tops back in style.- Acts as your sober wingman, indicating a 0-1 binary of your chances of scoring. Will flash sign "Lay up!" if you're lucky.- Adds all your pictures to Facebook under a witty title relating to the letter of the given term. 10SilverIsUsuallyTheColorOfRobots!- Erases the mess of cookie-dipping with a built-in Sweet Scooper (trademark pending), a combination of tongs and ladle that creators Michaels Bush and Lewis '11 assure is "the ultimate accessory for the cookie enthusiast."- Automatically produces sundresses and lax pennies when the temperature gets above 60 degrees Ok, 45 degrees.- Always remembers to suppress recipient lists. - Defeats R2-D2U, the nemesis robot who alerts you that you're still up doing work at 1 a.m.- Answers all your nagging questions like, "What is a rucksack for, if not a ruck?" (A small flightless bird? A performer in the Big Apple Ruckus?)- Moonlights as a crusader for the destruction of the Sun God.- Is BFF with Gaga.- Magically un-sends your drunk blitzes because, even in the future, Dartmouth wants you to irrevocably embarrass yourself. On the regular.- Never interrupts you except to say how pretty you are.- Teaches me how to drive. And by drive, I mean, take the written test for my permit.- Provides you with whatever questionably legal substances you may need to think of inventions for the future for, say, a Mirror article.- Rotates your spaghetti by pressing a small button on his index finger.- Brushes your teeth for you. Because that can be tiring.- Will ostracize any approaching clowns or life-size dolls. - Waits in line from 2 p.m. to 3:30 p.m. to get you Jason Derulo tickets.- Is equipped to repair any injured, tinier robots you may come across.
So if you find yourself at the TEDx Conference next week, you may hear brilliant ideas for the future of health care, education, technology, art and commerce. And you may think to yourself, "Wow. These are smart ideas. These people are very creative. What smart and creative ideas these people have." But you must stop and remember these so-called "geniuses" are skirting the key issue. So, men and women of Dartmouth, I must implore you to stand up for your peers, for yourself and for your future grandchildren and demand the destiny we deserve: Brobots Worth Spreading.
