The Setup
Even though Valentine's Day has come and gone, many Dartmouth students still have romance on the brain. Campus was abuzz with whines of "There's no dating at Dartmouth" and grumblings of "Where's the romance?" Since pong is Dartmouth's default mating ritual, I ventured boldly into the basements to observe four real men and women on blind dates as they pinged and ponged their way to true love.
When I got to the basement, I could tell immediately that this was the place to make romance happen. Sure, there was a funky smoke smell in the air and the floors were beer-splattered, but red foil hearts and cupids adorned the walls a cheeky reminder of the holiday just around the corner. The hip-hop music was blasting just loud enough to make extended conversation nearly impossible; at one point, though, I caught the lyric "circle circle dot dot I got my cootie shot." The appropriateness made me giggle. Someone had obviously feng shui'd the sideline decorations. A precisely arranged large steel pot with some tepid amber-colored water and cigarette butts inside sat along the wall. The social lubricant? Fourteen honey-gold cups of Keystone. Who needs strawberries and champagne when you've got cigs and 'Stones?
The Players
Like any good researcher, I did my homework, read: Facebook stalked my subjects. Unfortunately, they had really strict security settings. Bummer.
Since my Facebook-fu was lacking, I got down to business by asking them the hard-hitting questions. The players were Cody '12, Nate '11, Sarah '13 and Abby '11. All names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Abby was a last-minute fill-in. The original player stumbled into the basement half an hour late, looking miserable she'd just had four hours of rehearsal and looked morbidly sleep-deprived. The blaring music did not help her headache. After apologizing profusely, she shambled upstairs to crash into bed. Some Dartmouth students don't have the time or the energy for romance, I guess.
Abby was great, though. You've got to love a girl who will boldly step into a blind date with no advance warning.
Anyway, the questions:
Is pong a date?Abby: No. Pong is a date in some guys' eyes. It could be a first step.Cody: No.Nate: No. You have to do something afterwards: food, tailsSarah: No. Otherwise, I date a lot of girls.
I have a feeling Sarah just inspired a host of fantasies for our male readers. Guys, you're welcome.
Which DDS spot would you take a date to?Abby: I wouldn't go on a FoCo date; with someone new it'd be kind of awkward.Sarah: Yeah, that's trashy.Nate: Probably Homeplate.Cody: Yeah, it's the most legit restaurant-y [place].
A split in opinion along gender lines on whether you should ever take your date to DDS establishments, but if you absolutely must, go with Homeplate. Let's move along to the characters themselves.
Describe yourself in three words.Nate: Large, kind and attentive.Cody: Pretty nice guy.Abby: I'm not doing adjectives. "Hate This Question."Sarah: I can't describe myself. No, wait, that's four words.
The Game
The couples divided up into pairs: Abby and Cody versus Sarah and Nate. There's a brief debate Shrub? Tree? Double-stem? But eventually each side ends up with seven cups of Keystone for a nice game of shrub. In a fleeting echo of chivalry, Cody politely pours his date's beers.
Cody looked very serious, and hardly cracked a smile. The most interaction I saw between him and Abby was the occasional fist-bump and "Nice!" when one or the other hit a cup or made a save. The first smile I saw out of Cody was when he sank the first cup.
Nate and Sarah looked a lot more relaxed and smiled at each other a lot more. (I learned after the game that they already knew each other; I guess that helped.) Sarah was grooving with the music between plays; she smiled and laughed at herself when she messed up and didn't seem self-conscious.
The scintillating conversation consisted mostly of congratulations on good saves and sweet hits. There was one utterance of "I really don't wanna hit you in the face" by Nate he was so tall and long-limbed that sometimes it looked like Sarah was about to become collateral damage to a save. I overheard some steamy sweet nothings such as "Was that low?" and, even sexier, "Which cup did that hit?"
Everybody seemed oblivious to the hotties next to them, focusing way more on the ball. There was next to no eye contact, and they weren't even checking each other out so far as I could tell. I did way more ogling of the players than the players did. (Hey, they were really cute. Don't judge me.)
Pong definitely brings out some awkward physicality Abby had a great knees-in, gotta-pee ball-blocking crouch going on. Nate, meanwhile, was so lanky that some of his reaches and pirouettes caused him to jump around limbs-akimbo. And of course, there were the kind of swings-and-misses that raise serious questions about a person's motor skills. So pong is a good way to size up a potential boyfriend or girlfriend and see their dorky side before you get in too deep.
Eventually Sarah and Nate lost by a half-cup, but didn't seem too bothered about it; they hugged amicably, and then all the players convened to shake hands.
The Aftermath
And that was it. Alas, I seem to have confirmed what we already suspected: pong just isn't the way to stoke the fires of passion. Potential seducers and sirens take note: if you envision a future Valentine's Day that brings you more than disappointment and a hangover, you're going to have to be a lot more creative. The players dispersed, but not before I could corner them and ask them for a recap.
What did you think?Cody: It was a weird game. There was only one sink. [But] I had a good time.Nate: It was a weird table. I played pong with [Sarah] before, so I knew what was gonna happen. Pong's always fun.Abby: It's hard to simulate a real pong date. Typically you're more drunk and more invested in the game. [Cody and I] didn't really get to chat much.Sarah: It was awkward having someone watch.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl said that to me
What was the most memorable part of the game?Abby: Winning.Sarah: Losing!Nate: I don't know. Blind dates are kind of awkward.Cody: It was a pretty unmemorable game. It felt like someone should have been talking or something. On a blind date you feel like you should be on your good game.
Well, this "date" was a bit of a bust. But what I really want to know is the bottom line:
Would you go out with him/her again?Abby: I don't think so. I'd hang out with him and get to know him.Sarah: I don't think so. I don't ask boys out. We're, like, friends; that'd be really weird.Cody: (laughing) No.Nate: I have. Technically that was my second date. I wouldn't call it a "date," though, 'cause it was pong.
