Today I had to call my mother and admit I broke my phone this weekend. Since I had called her exactly one week ago to tell her I dropped my phone's battery down a sewer, she was not exactly pleased. As I began concocting a legitimate explanation, I realized she would never believe an angry squirrel with a taste for Blackberry Bolds roams the College's campus. There was only one thing to say: "I'm sorry, Mom. I fail."
Although I wish I could claim this conversation was an anomaly among my usual triumphant announcements of grace and cunning, it was just one of many times I've reminded my mother that I am a true native of Struggleland. This became much more apparent when I came to college.
One glowing example occured at the end of freshman fall. After finally thinking I'd conquered the treacherous field of washing and drying, I discovered that I had spent all term using fabric softener on my clothes in lieu of laundry detergent. That is three months of very dirty (yet oh-so-soft) outfits. Fail.
So far I've discovered that Summer term is highly conducive to fails especially if you're not living on campus. (Whoever thought I'd be able to handle the concept of rent checks must have been high).
Basically, if you live off campus and ever want to eat during the summer, there are two intractable requirements: 1) You cannot be lazy and 2) You should have basic cooking skills. I meet neither of these standards. From my apartment, the five-minute hike to campus is simply too daunting, and, after completing two Collis Miniversity cooking classes, I still have nightmares about the subtle nuances of boiling water. If it were not for my Iron Chef of a roommate or the modern beauty of ordering in, I would be living off of Wheat Thins and yogurt this term. Since I like to tell myself that there are others out there who are similarly pathetic, here are some incredibly obvious and absurdly easy "recipes" (I use this term loosely).The B-Side Banana LogBecause Foco is so far away.Ingredients:- English muffin- Peanut butter- BananaInstructions: Spread the peanut butter on the muffin. Cut small slices of banana (I am told knives serve this purpose). Place banana on muffin. If you really want to challenge yourself, heat it in the microwave. Too Easy MacNo more Blue Box blues.Ingredients: - Kraft Easy Mac Bowl- Spoon/fork/twig?Instructions:First of all, be sure to buy the bowl version. Then, follow the directions on the box, which include such uber-challenging tasks as removing the lid, filling water to the indicated line and opening a cheese packet. However, you do need to stir with a utensil. You may need to ask a friend for assistance. The Lazy Man's QuesadillaSeem impressive without doing anything.Ingredients:- Tortilla- Bag of shredded cheddar cheese (why do it yourself?)- SalsaInstructions:Take out tortilla. Put cheese and salsa on it. Apparently, it is better and crispier if you cook it on the stovetop. That sounds hard. Put it in the microwave for 45 seconds. If you're feeling fancy, add vegetables. Scrambled Eggs for the Scrambled MindLevel: ExpertIngredients:- Two Eggs- Milk- Pepper- Cheese- VegetablesInstructions:Put eggs in a pan (they're round and have handles). Set stove to medium heat. Break up yoke. Add a little milk. Throw in pepper, cheese, veggies, and/or whatever is lying around that appears edible. Stir with spatula. Wash said spatula and use it to pat yourself on the back.
Congratulations! You've had enough energy to read this entire article; now go take the culinary world by storm. However, if you are a dedicated failure and just skipped ahead to this sentence, you can just call EBA's. I don't judge.
