I usually feel accomplished if I survive a big weekend with my liver relatively intact (horrified blitz from my mother in three, two, one...), but this Green Key, I discovered a new hazard: GAMMAPALOOZA. I escaped from the teeming mob with only minor injuries and three beer stains, but I was one of the lucky ones.
Rumor has it that several '12s disappeared into the crushing throng and haven't been seen since. Anyone who has ever experienced this situation, fratted shoes or severe awkwardness after going to a Greek house understands the call for alternative social spaces.
The fiscally conservative among us would have you believe that we can create these social spaces out of unused lounges or by re-purposing some of those oh-so-squeaky clean fraternity basements, but I disagree. As much as I applaud the efforts of those who have attempted this task, the reality is simple: the present options for alternative spaces do not cut it.
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The currently designated "alternative" spaces are weird. I will totally admit to having attended Thayer Throwdown and even to having had a good time, but there is something terribly wrong about partying in the same location where you buy mozz sticks. How are you supposed to make the classic drunken trek to Food Court if you are already there? You're supposed to EARN that chicken parm by surviving the treacherous journey down Mass Row. Socializing is important enough to deserve its own separate space.
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We lack a Karaoke place. (I'll never forget you, Lone Pine. Sniffle.) Karaoke is a fascinating study in ritualized public self-embarrassment. The majority of us less vocally talented souls, who would never dream of subjecting the world to our bizarre noises, can temporarily lose our inhibitions -- but only in a designated Karaoke Area. This is a delicate balance, and we cannot simply turn somewhere else into a temporary Zone of Cheesy Mariah Renditions. (It is, of course, acceptable to play Rock Band in a frat, but one can only sing "I Think I'm Paranoid" so many times before its message comes true.)
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We need student-run alternative social spaces. Several of the present offerings, such as Fuel, are controlled by the College. This is basically a recipe for non-attendance. When I was in high school, a group of concerned mothers in my town got together and created a Teen Hang-Out Center. It looked perfect: awesome beanbag chairs, pool tables and Guitar Hero. No one ever, EVER went there. Why? Because people resent being told where to socialize. These places must evolve naturally. A Stamped-and-Administration-Approved College Student Chillaxation Area will inevitably be shunned.
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There is actually no feasible way to re-purpose the frats, and it's due to one simple factor: the smell. My friends who came to Green Key from other colleges practically died due to olfactory complications when they walked into Chi Gam, forcing me to abort plans to head to AD later in the night. There is no way to escape the stench of stale beer and bad decisions, and in an environment permeated by such odors, there's only one thing to do: keep hanging out.
