We live in a small town run by small businesses. We get what we want in the most charming way possible. But there is reason to be wary of "small town" culture. For all its quaintness, we suffer from a distinct lack of options. This complaint is a common lily-pad for the Dartmouth urbanite, who pines for a Starbucks mochachino and something more to do than watch a Nugget flick.
Because of our limited selection of dining options, however, our small town suffers from two main gustatory monopolies. And while I'm no Teddy Roosevelt -- South American nations, I, for one, respect your sovereignty -- I do believe our eating options suffer from crippling vertical integration. The demand is there, the supply isn't. Scarcity runs this town, and what we need is a little laissez-faire.
To whom do we first look to for the paradigm of sustenance? Dartmouth Dining Services -- our sine qua non, our aqua vitae, our bread and butter. Unfortunately, since a peanut butter and jelly sandwich now costs $2.95, bread and butter may end up being all we can afford. And a chicken breast on a bun costs $6.95 because a chicken breast costs a generous 20 cents and a bun about 5. Add 17 seconds of labor, and you're at about 50 cents. Whoops, I almost forgot about the caviar bath DDS supervisors take every night as they deep fry gold just to watch it melt.
But it's not even the inane prices that irk your humble narrator -- it's the service. No incentive drives DDS workers -- friendliness or charm won't augment nonexistent gratuity (and so I tip my hat to you, Collis Ray.) Because of this, the customer has no reason to expect anything more than a robotic server who works at a glacial pace. But it's difficult to complain because many DDS workers are our own peers, and as I can attest, food service isn't always the most rewarding occupation.
Because Dartmouth chooses to consolidate all dining under one private company, we eschew the possibility of fairer prices and better service for simplicity. Our dining halls feature absurd lines, which could be halved by speedy service.
When DDS fails us, we naturally look for an alternative, competing food service in Hanover. And because real businesses deal with real-time transactions as opposed to a declining balance, we would expect them to avoid the common DDS service pitfalls. A few do, but then again most town restaurants have their lights off well before we even think about dinner.
Thus, Everything But Anchovies becomes the local beacon for late-night delivery but disappoints when it comes to our expectations of quality service. As a real establishment, it should have some obligation to please -- nay, indulge -- its customers. I have, however, frequently suffered the wrath of an angry phone answerer, a disgruntled cashier or one employee who blatantly lied about what time it was to avoid my order.
Like DDS, EBAs has cornered a Dartmouth market and, in doing so, has Standard-Oiled the delivery trade into submission. Why has no other business stepped up the plate? Is EBAs the breadbasket of nighttime Hanover? Am I righteous in my indignation, or did I get what I applied for?
My objective is not merely to be a thorn in the side of DDS or EBAs (which actually does offer anchovies), or any other three-letter acronym dining establishment. I simply intend to encourage the entrepreneurs of our small world -- the now and future business owners of Hanover -- to step up the competition on all fronts. Yes, you'll suffer from the annoyance of drunk orders. Yes, workers will be tipped poorly and treated poorly. But our current feeders have considered these externalities well worth the cost. We don't need Student Assembly to make Food Court stay open an hour later; we need independent and viable options that pressure these power-mongers to improve themselves from within.
What we have in Hanover is big-business customer service superimposed upon "small town values." We lack options and suffer the consequence of local hegemony. The fat cats have had it too good for too long. I say, future monarchs of Hanover food service, step it up. Your feudalism is delicious but oppressive.