Heckler's Guide: Post-Baseball Edition

by Alex Hodes | 5/9/08 5:34am

Baseball's loss to Columbia was rough. End of story. It was on par with the 1994 Knicks and 2001 Yankees in my book. Then again, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain Pats fans felt following their Super Bowl defeat. I suppose the only thing left to do is lighten the mood -- after all, wallowing in misery just isn't fun.

With baseball over, I've found myself out of a job. What's a heckler to do? I would redirect my efforts to other athletic endeavors, but the truth is that far too few sports offer an excitable, intimate environment where one can drive the opposition crazy. I've tried tennis, but apparently this sport is more of a gentlemen's game, and heckling is discouraged. And with most seasons coming to an end, it seems as though I will need to look for less conventional arenas.

With no further ado, I would like to present to you my top 10 heckling alternatives. Try these at your own risk:

Heckle One: Passersby on the Green. This one is easy, and I'm sure some readers have already attempted to do so. As an added benefit, the reliable "grass, grass, grass, grass, dirt, dirt..." works pretty well here. If you'd like to add a degree of difficulty, step it up to heckling people laying out on the Green. Trust me, they deserve it.

Heckle Two: Professor during class. This escalates quickly. (At this point, you might be worried that anything you say to your professor may invite potential litigation, but fear is for the weak.) The only real danger is to your grade point average. On second thought, attend a friend's class, then proceed.

Heckle Three: Food Court. Oh, the possibilities are endless. The easiest would probably involve riding fellow students as they walk down the so-called "runway." But I have a better idea. Head to the fro-yo machine and casually remind people that fro-yo won't help you lose weight. Spare me the hate mail -- facts are facts.

Heckle Four: The Fitness Center. The bigger the insecurity, the more effective the heckle. At the same time, be careful when picking your targets. Let's just say that heckling the biggest guy in the room probably isn't the best idea in the world.

Heckle Five: Call of Duty 4. As someone who has logged far too many hours on this masterpiece of a game, I can tell you that few games in the history of gaming have ever been built for heckling like this one. Heckle your friends. Heckle your enemies. It's all the same.

Heckle Six: People wearing sweaters in warm weather. Yes, I'm talking to the Columbia father who wore the argyle sweater on Wednesday. You are a gigantic loser, and you looked toolish running around like a maniac in the stands. Grow up and stop embarrassing your kid.

Heckle Seven: Pong. Spectating has never been this much fun. For optimal satisfaction, heckle Schmidley during an overly competitive game of ship. I've had the luxury of getting in Schmidley's dome during a few pong games, and let me tell you, it is a rather enjoyable experience.

Heckle Eight: The Blitz Heckle. Tired of those annoying mass blitzes? Of course you are. The solution is simple -- respond with an equally annoying blitz of your own. Recipient list suppress, BCC your friends, and you're good to go.

Heckle Nine: Tour guides. What's the only thing more frustrating than leading a tour? Leading a tour through a constant barrage of discouragement. And if you feel like mixing it up, you can always hijack said tour and heckle the prospective students and families for good measure.

Heckle Ten: Heckle Yourself. Hey, it's college. And for some of us, it's only college for one more month. Where else will you be able to act a fool with little to no consequence? The best part is, it's easy. After all, you're always in your own dome, aren't you? Here, I'll show you -- I've been miserable all day, meant to play golf, but I got lazy, went to KFC, and I've spent the rest of the day wasting away in need of a shower watching my friends play video games.

I know, you could say I just mailed this column in. But hey, if you're still reading, what does that say about you? Yep, still got it.