Ali Lohan
If celebrity is contagious, then Ali Lohan, kid sister to Lindsay, has been living in a leper colony. It is understandable how she wants her fair share of the spotlight; it can't be easy living with Lindz and all her baggage. So, she did the obvious thing -- make a Christmas album, "Lohan Holiday" (2006).
There is nothing more wondrous than hearing holiday standards such as "Deck the Halls" being hijacked by a vocal talent that is mediocre at best. Replete with synthesized backgrounds and omnipresent jingling, this new take on old standards won't be accompanying Christmas morning around the tree anytime soon.
At least Ali is willing to make shocking and controversial statements on her record. The track "I like Christmas" speaks to her complex understanding of world affairs ("It's a fun birthday celebration for all the world in every nation") as well as her command of adjectives ("I like really, really like -- I like really, really like -- I like Christmas"). And yet somehow, I suspect that sometime in the coming months Seventeen will run an article lauding Ali as an articulate and positive role-model for young girls.
The highlight of the album is clearly the title track, featuring none other than Lindsay herself. You half expect Lindsay and Ali to do a Captain Planet morph into a sonic superpower -- but the track is just as bad as the others.
Maybe it's easy to judge Ali too harshly. Hers is not the worst nor most eccentric celebrity music endeavor. In the end, though, her album brings nothing to listeners or the collective work of American musicians. Simply put "Lohan Holiday" should never have been made.
William Shatner
Billy, where did you come from? Best known for his role on Star Trek, Shatner has lately been making a splash in venues as varied as "Boston Legal" and Progressive commercials. As a modern renaissance man, Shatner has also released several albums. My personal favorite is the inexplicable collaboration between Shatner and Ben Folds, who produced his 2004 album, wryly titled "Has Been." Although the keen, tongue-in-check title is clever, the music itself is somewhat of a head scratcher.
Shatner speaks of a psychedelic influence, and indeed many of his songs sound like sketchier version of the B-52s. Possibly the strangest tracks of all come on Mr. Shatner's collaboration with another Star Trekian, Leonard Nimoy, on the 1997 album "Spaced Out: The Best of Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner." Noteworthy is Shatner's rendition of Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man," where every line is a question backed by "oohs" and "ahs." " I'm sleepy?" Shatner asks, "In the jingle jangle morning I'll come following ... you?" It is unclear if he is trying to put his own mark on the classic song or if he's just unsure of the lyrics.
His version of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" is terrifying. Shatner speaks the lyrics like the Grinch would read bedtime stories to the unsuspecting citizens of Whoville. There's also a song called "Hamlet" where he reads Shakespeare to jazz flute. No explanation needed. For what's its worth, Nimoy has a track on the album called "Music to Watch Space Girls By."
It is neither necessary nor tactful to make fun of Shatner's works. Rather, the surrealism and complete incomprehensibility of the entire concept speaks for itself. Most baffling of all, "Has Been" has the astronomical review of five stars on iTunes. But then again "Jingle Cats" was one of the bestselling albums of the 1990s.
Kathy Lee Gifford
Ali Lohan is not the only one making questionable Christmas music. Kathie Lee Gifford, co-host of the popular morning show with Regis Philbin (before being usurped by young Kelly Ripa) is also in on the holiday music game. Her album "Rock 'n' Tots Cafe: A Christmas "Giff" Album" (1995) set the precedent long ago.
But here's the thing: Kathy Lee Gifford has a good voice. Really, she does.
Gifford's bestselling album is "Sentimental" (1993), and it is indeed sentimental. If sappy nostalgia for overblown ballads such as "Over the Rainbow" was previously lacking, Gifford alone would have given us all a surplus for years to come. She's as sentimental as Bill Clinton is charismatic; Bill almost made me vote for Hillary -- that's charisma.
Her music is a hit with Amazon.com's discriminating fans. One customer proclaimed, "If I were Kathie I would bronze myself all over because I would be aware of my own greatness." I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds like high praise.
Her 2000 album was not as well received, however, probably because it was mostly a recycling of "Sentimental" with one new instant classic, "God Bless All the Little Children."
On the surface there isn't anything terribly offensive about her works. Her singing is competent, and the backgrounds are not horrendously overwrought. The problem is that her music is still awful. Does the American musical canon really need to include almost a dozen Kathie Lee Gifford albums? I'm going to go out on a limb and say no.
