Winter Carnival has to be the best part of Winter term, this '11 can confidently say without any experience. There's the beauty of freshly-fallen snow, the grandiose snow sculpture and, most importantly, the parties. But all this splendor is marred by one thing -- a permeating force which, when you step outside, grabs you by the bones and violently shakes you back and forth as one would an infant. This malicious creature -- the anti-Christ of temperature -- is Cold.
For too long, Cold has blanketed us with ice and snow, and I declare that now is the time to end its tyranny once and for all. I've researched the topic thoroughly, and the only known way to combat Cold is with a global increase in temperature, an ongoing phenomenon many people refer to as "global warming." Therefore, I feel obligated to present to you with a wildly-embellished proposal: let us scorn tools like Al Gore and catalyze this benevolent warming trend.
Before I start receiving complaints, I urge you to fear not, dear citizens, for the beauty of snow and winter is possible without Cold. In fact, most of this season's charms may be preserved without Cold's chapping embrace. Man has built powerful machines to create snow at important ski resorts around the world. The process is too complicated for me to explain here, but it is the result of years of research by our scientist magi. If you doubt me on this, just take a trip to the Dartmouth Skiway to see it happen with your own eyes.
During wintertime, Cold is especially notorious for making stairs very slippery, causing great difficulties for the elderly. Eliminating Cold would come as a great relief to old people around the world, who could then use steps without moving extremely slowly so that the rest of us could continue at our youthful, accelerated pace.
These reasons, however, aren't enough for the terrorists at the Sierra Club who bully us into believing that global warming is bad because it will lead to rising sea levels. To this I say that no better tidings could ever grace my ears. As a former resident of the O.C. (daytime highs of 90, nighttime lows of 100), I've been hankering for a good trip to the beach, and if Sigma Alpha Epsilon's recent beach party is any indication, I'm not alone.
Why travel to the beach when I can bring the beach to me? We should encourage global warming to terraform the planet into a series of giant beach resorts. Our coastal location coupled with our snowmaking capabilities (along with the submergence of Harvard and Yale) will make us the most envied of the Ivy League -- and what could be more important than that?
With all of the benefits of global warming in mind, the only natural question is how to go about defeating Cold and encouraging the warming trend. The best way to do this, of course, is to make it hot! If we all turn our radiators up to maximum, the heat will flow into the environment around us, and the extra energy required to produce that additional heat will release more greenhouse gases to warm up the atmosphere.
What? You say you've already done that? Are all of them turned up? Fine -- go take advantage of the obscene number of outlets in your room. Gather together any old minimally-useful appliance hanging around and plug it in! Really, anything will do the trick: phones, refrigerators (set to the coldest setting), televisions or that lava lamp that only looks cool when you're high.
You're telling me you're using all of your outlets too? With extension cords?
Why do you even bother recycling?
Since all of you are clearly doing all you can to pollute, all I have left to say is enjoy this Winter Carnival like it's your last. Because with temperatures increasing at this rate, it probably will be.
