It's time to talk Student Assembly. Again. With several candidates vying for student attention, one presidential candidate truly stands out among the competition.
While junior Carlos Mejia's risqu spread in The Mirror and Ms. Robinson's seduction of a young Dustin Hoffman were both impressive and fictitious, I have impressed many with my dedication and personal struggle with adversity.
As a dedicated student/drinker, my greatest asset is my typicality. While other candidates may offer more radical views on change, such as creating the new Arab Studies Plutonium Enrichment Plant at Dartmouth and kicking all men off campus forever, my charm lies in my smaller concerns.
If elected, I can promise that my convocation speech will not tell every girl how she can never escape the licentious clutches of a beer-chugging frat brother. I promise that I will not grow facial hair or look like Justin Timberlake. I promise to encourage College President James Wright to come to Chi Gam and get sketched on with me just to show him how current Social Event Management Procedures policies kill the environment and make us drink warm beer.
Lest I denigrate my impressive political career, I must emphasize that my typical reputation conceals a man born for leadership. I have excelled for years at parliamentary debate; and let me tell you, once I get that wig on and "git her powder'd," no one can stop me when it comes to aggressive legislating. My voice, as if a seraph's, reflects a maturity unknown to many legislators only interested in Uh Oh! blitzes and providing themselves with free food at every committee meeting. I don't even eat. Take that, Siporen.
As of now, the Student Assembly meetings are a paradigm of middle school student government. After the 100+ person roll call, absurd method of voting and petty personal quarrelling, little seems to get done. Many on campus, even some Assembly members, agree. Let's change stuff, but for real.
If elected, I won't even put it on my resume when I apply for a job. I don't care for power; I just loathe incompetence.
This campus doesn't need someone with plans to introduce radical change to the campus. It needs someone who doesn't want to change the world. What we want is more kegs, better sushi, better printing and a smaller dining plan option. To those picky eaters, you have found a people's champion.
Our apathetic political climate does not require a Dalai Lama, it requires someone who represents the average Dartmouth Joe or Jill. I'm extremely apathetic, just like a real Dartmouth student. And, as all the beautiful women on campus know, I'm extremely good looking. Just vote for me and I'll stop saying things like that.
My most impressive character trait is simply how plain I really am. A middle of the road guy. I'm affable, have very sharp teeth and boast excellent bone structure. I am someone you'd like to have a beer with. Think of me as a Jewish President Bush.
I have not yet been corrupted by the masturbatory bureaucracy of Student Assembly. I will not stand for back-patting self-gratification at meetings. Instead of reporting people for alcohol violations, I say we make those violations less punishable. How about we make the campus better, not by trying to change people or through drastic metamorphoses.
It is a small school, but there are those that love her. I love her, so why would I want to pervert her? Some want to give her a makeover. I think she only needs a darker shade of lipstick.
Which is why you should vote for me, Zachary Gottlieb, for the next Student Assembly president as a write-in candidate.
(Disclaimer: Zachary Gottlieb is not actually running for Student Assembly President.)
