But maybe the distinction between Dartmouth College and Dartmouth Culture is just another intellectual construct. Even when they aren't talking Keynes or Kafka, Dartmouth students demonstrate their intellectual prowess (or lack thereof) in the everyday trials of campus life.
So how intellectual are those of us with "the granite of New Hampshire in our muscles and our brains?" I listened in to some campus banter to find out. All conversations rated on a 1-10 scale, where 1 = "Dude where'd my toga go?" and 10 = "I would contend that Aristotle's point was..."
The Hop
Girl 1: I'm on this no carb, no sugar, no fat, no hydrogenised ... I mean, basically no food diet.
Girl 2: Oh, yeah, I think I tried that one.
Girl 1 grabs seaweed salad from fridge.
Some food for thought, girls: 1) Stop with the self-call dieting. No one will think you are smarter because you read the June issue of Vogue or Self. 2) "No food?" Seriously? 3) As one of my guy friends said, "If girls were smarter, they would realize we are attracted to females. Boobs. Hips. We don't want prepubescent boys." Despite my opposition to the "no food" track, however, I am glad the girl recognizes that seaweed qualifies as a non-food. I have often thought so when seeing the item in the Hop fridges. And I'm sure if the girl had turned around and asked the football players in line for Billy Bobs whether seaweed counted as real food, they would have said no too.
Intellectual rating: 3.14. As in, stop believing crazy diet fads and go eat some pie.
Proteges of: Regina George of Mean Girls. Maybe you ladies should take up lacrosse?
The Green
Guy 1: [Something in tonal language]
Guy 2: [Something, a response I assume, in tonal language, presumably the same one]
Both guys laugh.
These two could have just butchered the language they were attempting to speak. It doesn't matter. It sounded fluent and I'm impressed. Not only that, they laughed. They could have just made a really corny, immature joke, but to those of us who only dabble in romance languages, they sounded smart and witty, if a little pretentious, and thus are deemed intellectual by virtue of speaking in code. Keep it up guys, and most Americans will be in awe and just a little intimidated.
Intellectual rating: 8.5. It's tonal!!
Proteges of: John Rassias. Just keep immersing yourself, dudes.
Collis, Lower Floor Bathroom
Girl 1 enters on cell phone, sees Girl 2 who is about to enter stall.
Girl 1: [to Girl 2] Oh hiiii! Sorry I didn't blitz you [to person on phone] no, not you, hold on...
Girl 2: [from stall] No worries, so did you want to get dinner?
Girl 1: [from stall] Oh yes! Molly's? [to phone, presumably] no not you, sorry, I'm not talking to you. No I mean we can get dinner some time... but [flush] hold on [flush] so Molly's?...
Woooah. Girls, slow down. There were so many things going on in this situation, I had trouble conveying it on paper, so I know you must have trouble actually doing it. I think some lessons from Emerson and Thoreau might be appropriate here. Stop talking about blitz. Go contemplate Occom, or the Green grass between your toes. Breathe. And no more talking on the cell phone in the stall. That's just makes everyone uncomfortable.
Intellectual rating: 4. Props for multi-tasking, but I doubt it leaves much time for complex thought.
Proteges of: Jackson Pollock. Just a little bit all over the place.
Novack
Two girls sit at table with play books open face down
Girl 1: His blitz said I should come by at some point. Does that mean some point tonight? Or just, like, some time in life?
Girl 2: No, I think if he wanted to be vague he would have said "You should come by some time." That would've been vague. Plus it's a Wednesday...
Girl 1: See that's what I thought! Plus earlier in the blitzing he mentioned meetings.
Girl 2: Oh, well then he definitely meant tonight.
Girl 1: Yeah. Yeah, I think so... [Pause]. What should I wear?
The BlitzMail dissection. We all make fun of it, but we also all do it (at least, all of us females do). And who's to say this is not an intellectual pursuit? Learning to navigate one's way through the Dartmouth hook-up culture is merely analytical training for majors in the humanities. For example, I am certain that these girls used their ability to read the intricacies of blitz subtext to analyze their play texts and its characters' objectives. After they figured out whether to wear the blue halter or the black tube top, of course.
Intellectual rating: 9. An astute understanding of psychology, linguistics and analytics.
Proteges of: Sigmund Freud. Finding deeper meaning in all things remotely sexual.
Frat Row
Wednesday night, 9:50 pm. As I walk to meetings, a (presumably '10) couple heads for the Choates.
Girl: What are meetings for anyway?
Guy: Planning stuff?
Ah, the questioning young mind.
Intellectual rating: 5. They say there are no stupid questions...
Proeges of: Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Especially when she sings "Part of Your World." Don't worry, kids. Rush is only a term away.
Fraternity Formal
Girl: Nice Tux.
Guy: Yeah, well, nothing like getting dressed up and getting shitty.
A seemingly off-the-cuff wisecrack, this gentleman may some day join the ranks of such famous satirists and pundits as Mark Twain, Ambrose Bierce, Oscar Wilde and, of course, Jon Stewart. With self-deprecating mockery, he exposes the paradox of the spring formal with one biting quip. Well done. Hope you had a good time that evening -- if you remember it, that is.
Intellectual rating: 10. A philosopher who understands the ironies of the bubble in which we live.
Protege of: F. Scott Fitzgerald. Think Great Gatsby: Really pretty clothes and a whole lotta booze.
