Walking On Eggshells: Inside jokes for jocks
Special thanks to Dartmouth equestrian team captain Daisy Freund '08 for supplying WOE with this week's title: "Inside Jokes for Jocks." For all of you who haven't arrived at the realization Ms. Freund came to this past weekend, this column is simply a bunch of inside jokes for jocks. However, there is a silver lining to this rather grim assessment of WOE. Despite the fact that I have been living the "nonner" life for the past year, I take solace in the fact that I am still able to keep my finger on the pulse of many of the inside jock jokes and count that as one of WOE's greatest triumphs. It's not easy listening in to the football team's post-lift conversations at the Hop, and it's no cakewalk trying to eavesdrop on the hockey team's intense arguments over just how good the mid-'90s Atlanta Braves really were. WOE takes pride in bringing the Dartmouth jock community the very best in inside jokes.
In celebration of Ms. Freund's observation, I have decided to give her the coveted Jock Readers Only Award. So before you continue to another week's worth of awards, make sure to blitz Daisy.Freund@Dartmouth.edu and let her know whether or not you're a Dartmouth athlete so she can make sure there aren't any "nonners" like me out there who are enjoying WOE.
If you haven't noticed, we have entered into another very hectic time in the sports world. The NHL and NBA playoffs are underway, we've already had one Boston/New York series in MLB and Mel Kiper, Jr. is already smearing extra gel in his hair in the hopes that his NFL draft picks will be remotely close to the actual draft. Personally, I think Barry Melrose has had a lockdown on the slicked-back look for the past dozen years, but Kiper has been looking increasingly grimy with each passing football season. The conclusion of this year's NFL draft and NHL playoffs will no doubt be witness to the highly anticipated Greaseball of the Weekend Award, so remember to stay tuned. For now, we have this week's awards. Enjoy, but only if you're a jock. If not, blitz Daisy and she will be sure to send you the very best in esoteric humor.
Indian Giver of the Weekend: Torii Hunter, CF Minnesota Twins
Reports surfaced this past weekend that Torii Hunter gave four bottles of Dom Perignon to the Kansas City Royals as a reward for sweeping the Detroit Tigers last September. The sweep allowed the Twins to vault into first place in the tightly contested AL Central Division and gave the Twins a berth in the playoffs. Sadly, MLB rule 21-b states that any player who offers a gift or reward for defeating a competing club shall be declared ineligible for no less than three years. Twins management has contacted the Royals organization and asked for the gifts to be returned in hopes of righting Hunter's wrong, but Hunter himself has expressed no remorse. "I do good things," Hunter said. "Barry is still playing and chasing Aaron's home run record, and we all know he's a cheater. I'm sure this whole thing will get worked out eventually. The rules don't really matter - this is Major League Baseball."
Unluckiest 4-year old of the Weekend: Caden Thomas
Poor Caden Thomas. Most people wait until they're in high school before they get laid out in a football game, but not Caden. This weekend, the youngster was form tackled by a college football player in Fort Collins, Colo. during the spring youth football festival at Colorado State on Saturday. Caden was wandering near the end zone with his father right before a wide receiver ran into him attempting to catch a touchdown pass during the intrasquad practice, causing 30 stitches worth of damage to the boy's head. After being rushed to the hospital, Caden told the Associated Press, "It was kind of scary 'cause I got bonked by the football. It kind of hurted." And yes, that is the real quote. I'm not making fun of a little 4-year-old boy who just had 30 stitches put in his head. What do you think this is, Imus in the Morning?
Ivy League Champions of the Weekend: Dartmouth Equestrian Team
Don't worry, there aren't any more snide equestrian comments here. Just a simple congratulations to the Dartmouth riders who brought home the championship hardware this past Saturday at Morton Farm, beating Brown by three points and winning Dartmouth's first All-Ivy Equestrian championship in 10 years. Tim Malone '07, who is hopefully not as angry as he appears on the Dartmouth athletic website, won two blue ribbons and will compete at the IHSA National Championships from Thursday, May 3, to Sunday, May 6.