It's starting to get to that time of the term: the time when DBA is starting to drop and students are starting to get desperate to cut corners. So I've devised a few little ways to eat for free at Dartmouth. Listen closely seniors: this time next term, when going negative is just not an option and you've burned through that giant signing bonus already, you're going to need this. I know this issue is centered on nutrition and some of these meal ideas may not seem like the most nutritious but riddle me this: what's healthier, eating or not eating? Eating. Eating is more nutritious, no matter what that supermodel/ballerina/native Los Angeles resident tells you.
Let's start with lunch. Personally I am a Collis regular. Don't judge me. Don't say, "Oh, you're a Collis person, you like nature, you're crunchy, you eat organic things." For one, I do like nature but really only from my window or if it's at least seventy degrees outside and clean. I am not crunchy but I do enjoy organic things but really that's only because I'm from California (northern) and that's what we do there. Anyway, what can you eat for free at Collis? Let's start with the samples. This is one of the reasons I love Collis. Start with a sample of each of the soups then move on to the entree sample. That's the easy stuff. Let's think of it as your amuse bouche to get the meal started. Onto the bread course: bagel chips. They're in that little black container on the salad bar and they are delicious. They range from poppy seed to cinnamon raisin. In the dining room you can make yourself a light lunch of saltines topped with relish and onions or mustard. They're a nice light snack to (partially) fill up a stomach and provide you with some of the vegetables and sodium your poor, thesis-writing body needs. For dessert head back into the main food-buying area and get yourself a handful of dried cranberries and a cup of hot water with four lemons squeezed into it to soothe the tummy and mind. Add sugar if you so desire.
Onto the Hop -- or the Courtyard Cafe, as it is properly called by no true Dartmouth student. Here we move on to a plethora of condiments. Pile yourself up a plate of croutons. This is going to be the base of your meal. From here you have artistic freedom. My personal choice is a combination of ketchup, hot sauce and A-1 steak sauce with a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. But you can choose from other condiments such as soy sauce, relish, sour cream, butter (though I'd prefer you don't put butter on your croutons ... it just doesn't seem right) or Worcestershire sauce. For a drink, why not get your calcium needs by pouring yourself a nice free cup of milk (whole, half and half, or non-fat)? Then it's time for dessert: jam. That's right, jam. Right by the toasters there are little jams of varied flavors: orange, strawberry, grape, etc. Yum. I bet you almost wish you were out of DBA so you could eat straight jam right now!
And finally to Foco/Home Plate. Here we come to one of my actual favorite food items from my childhood: the ketchup sandwich. It's simple, it's delicious, it's not hugely nutritious but it is my comfort food. Of course you can also mix it up by using either the wheat or white bread roll and by filling the roll with different condiments like BBQ sauce, mustard, butter, Parmesan cheese or, on special occasions, cranberry sauce. On the side you can snack on some saltines or oyster crackers from Foco -- they're right next to the soup, which these days seems to usually be cheese or chowder of some sort with a main ingredient of heavy cream. Also for snacking there are those croutons by the condiments. They are zesty. They are salty. They are so flavorful that you may not be able to taste anything else for the next three days.
Of course you can also sign up for the free food bulletin and attend educational discussions about Philosophy or the existence of God or the legal issues of the Upper Valley while munching on India Queen or the Orient. But that's the easy way out. You can also fast on weekends and then make a circuit of the parties that night, following the party packs and stocking up on Keystone for the next week's meals (but cook with it at your own peril). If all else fails and you really need to eat an actual meal never underestimate the powers of an underclassman friend who still can experience the joys of the freedoms of going negative. Make those puppy dog eyes you know no one can resist, slouch a bit, maybe offer them a light shoulder massage. Anything for a Home Plate faux Thanksgiving dinner or the Hop's General Tso, right?
