Before I begin, I would like to thank Kyle Owusu '07 for lending his nickname to this week's title of WOE. Not only is it applicable for this week's ridiculous Super Bowl media frenzy, in which awareness is sinking to an all-time low, but it also serves as a reminder to all underclassmen that grades don't mean everything, and that you can still graduate from an Ivy League institution like Dartmouth with the awareness of a doorknob.
As promised to all faithful WOE readers out there, here is the most in-depth Super Bowl analysis this side of the Connecticut River.
Chicago Bears vs. Indianapolis Colts (-7)
The line for this week currently sits at seven, but I would not be surprised to see it move later in the week to four and a half or five points as soon as people start to realize that the Bears defense is actually pretty good. Anyway, enough with betting. What about the stories of the week? There were worries early on that Peyton Manning's thumb had a blister that might affect his performance, but those rumors were quickly dismissed in favor of the breaking news that Rex Grossman awoke on Monday to find that the plantar warts on his right foot had grown substantially. Expert analysts for ESPN were quick to deduce that this would lead Rex to throw twice as many interceptions as expected and Chris Berman was even rumored to proclaim the Colts as Super Bowl Champions a full five days in advance of the game.
Let me shed some light on what will really happen on Super Sunday:
My instincts tell me that Marvelous Marvin Harrison will, once again, disappear in a big game, and that he is planning to hide along with Peyton Manning's talent somewhere in the Colts' entrance tunnel. The Bears defense will play a great game. Tank Johnson should come up big, playing loose after learning of Florida's lenient concealed weapons laws. The offense, however, will fail to convert any turnovers into points. Rex will probably have three or four drives that start with great field position, but will quickly throw the ball to the Colts defense, adding to his interminable list of soils. I look for Joseph Addai to have a huge breakout game and rush for well over 100 yards and two touchdowns, leaving the experts to argue over whether or not Peyton deserved to win his first Super Bowl, casting one last shade of doubt on his legacy.
Pick: Colts 27, Bears 21
And now, on to awards:
Biggest Crowd of the Weekend: No. 2 UNC at No. 3 Maryland, NCAAW Basketball
In one of the most underreported stories of the weekend, College Park, Md., was host to a sellout crowd of 17,950, the largest ever at an NCAA women's basketball game. According to reports, fans in attendance were not paid to attend the game. The Tar Heels emerged victorious in an 84-71 thrashing of the Terps and kept their winning streak alive, improving to 23-0. NCAA representatives at the game said they hoped to see a steady increase in crowd size, and hope that women's college basketball crowds might one day rival those at WWE Monday Night Raw and local College Park High School football games.
Sustainablility Grade of the Weekend: Dartmouth College, A-
Apparently our very own Dartmouth College was awarded an A- for sustainability by the Sustainable Endowments Institute, vaulting Dartmouth to elite national sustainable status. Sadly, the institute apparently glossed over the absurdly unsustainable keg policies advocated by the school that encourage the use of thousands upon thousands of aluminum cans over a single, reusable keg. Even more depressing is the fact that the very same policies put fine fraternal institutions like Chi Heorot on probation for weeks on end and single-handedly halve the amount of fun to be had on campus in the already-depressing winter months in Hanover. Also, Dartmouth's apparent lack of ability to sustain any type of major winning sports team besides hockey was clearly not an issue for the Institute.
Sign of God's Abandonment of Humanity of the Weekend: Barry Bonds' new contract
Yes, it's true. Barry Bonds recently signed a one-year, $15.8 million contract with the San Francisco Giants. If there is a God, he left Major League Baseball a long, long time ago, because no God could ever allow Barry BALCO to play professional baseball again and have yet another shot at breaking Hank Aaron's all-time home run record.