Well, week four of the NFL season has already passed us by and predictably the few teams that are still undefeated are being proclaimed as Super Bowl locks by ESPN expert analysts. However, we are merely in week two of "Walking on Eggshells," so I'll try my best to follow up last week's gem with something that is at least more readable than Tom Kidera's "Dudes on Parade" -- a title that sounds more like a raunchier version of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" than a column in the Dartmouth Mirror.
So let's turn down the suck and turn to the weekend in sports. First, let me send my most hearty congratulations to Chris Simms, who finally managed to get out of the hospital. I hope all of you that sent get well cards to Barbaro were kind enough to extend the same well wishes to our friend Chris.
The Giants had a bye week, so I'm hoping that the fourth quarter they would have played this weekend will automatically carry over to week five's game against the Skins, and they might manage to actually play a whole half of a football game.
And then there's Tiger Woods, who won his sixth straight PGA tournament this past Sunday, equaling his personal best winning streak and proving that the U.S. doesn't do well in the Ryder Cup only because we straight up don't care. Tiger crushed the entire field, shooting 23-under-par for the tournament and winning by eight strokes while the Europeans were still trying to figure out who pissed in one of the dinkiest trophies in sports.
And now it's time for the segment you've all been waiting for. Awards.
Almost Fell Between the Cracks Award: Dusty Baker and the Chicago Cubs
Cubs management recently found itself mired in a Catch-22 while trying to figure out a way to fire manager Dusty Baker without looking like racists, but the stalemate was mercifully brought to an end with the final day of the 2006 regular season. Baker, who led the Cubs to a last place 66-96 record this season, stepped down as manager, but not before he voiced his frustrations at the lack of steroids and HGH in the locker room. "I won Manager of the Year three times and went to a World Series with the Giants," said Baker. "Hell, the Cubs haven't won a World Series in over 100 years, you would think by now the league would be giving us steroids, and I still can't convince any of these weaklings to use them! I'm out of here."
Soil of the Weekend: Ricky Williams, RB Toronto Argonauts
Ricky Williams, the human circus, has managed to clown his way into the headlines once again. A report fresh out of Toronto states that Williams injured the heel of his foot in what is being called a "freak locker-room accident." Rumors that the accident was the result of too many "blunts" prior to the game have gone unsubstantiated, and sources close to Williams have provided hazy clues at best as to the true nature of the incident. The freak locker-room accident comes just two weeks after Williams returned to the Argonauts from a broken arm, the result of a freak joint-rolling incident.
The Almost Award: J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets
Let me begin by saying that I really enjoyed watching the Jets/Colts game, and for a moment there I almost found myself rooting for the Jets. Almost. Then I saw the last play of the game. The wild final play featured one pass, five laterals and three fumble recoveries, and nearly ended in a touchdown until Laveranues Coles had his arm ripped off at the Colts 27-yard line. About the play, Jets head coach Eric Mangini said, "We were close, but we need to practice it a little bit more." Mangini went on to say that Bobo the Clown and several seals from the Bronx Zoo have already been invited to practice with the Jets this week and that he hopes to run the same play at the end of every game the Jets lose due to poor coaching decisions, like going for a touchdown and not kicking a field goal in the middle of the third quarter.
Rager of the Weekend: Albert Haynesworth, DT Tennessee Titans
Possibly the only thing more outrageous than the last 10 seconds of the Jets/Colts game was the atrocity that happened in the third quarter of the Titans/Cowboys game. After Dallas' Julius Jones ran in a touchdown for the Cowboys, Haynesworth took out his frustration on Cowboy center Andre Gurode's face, stomping it repeatedly with his cleats. No joke. Haynesworth was ejected from the game after the play, and league officials are contemplating a severe fine and possibly giving the 6'4," 312-pound Gurode a few minutes alone in a room with Haynesworth.
