Summer movies seem taboo to me. I guess it's because we're all supposed to be out running through sprinklers or having picnics or playing lawn games while friends punt down the stream in white suits and flat straw hats. Or no, maybe I'm mistaking summer with the 1920s. It seems wrong to sit in the dark with strangers eating plastic cheese off overly salted chips when nature is beckoning you to play in its glory.
I'm lying of course; I fully support evading the sun's cancer rays unless there's a beach and a cold beverage involved. So for the sake of this column, my pale skin and the fact that the TV in the pool house I was living in this summer only got six channels (the best of which was the WB, now the CW) I forwent the sprinkler frolicking and saw a few movies.
"Little Miss Sunshine." I saw it twice. Someone today told me it made them depressed. I came out of the movie the first time feeling absolutely elated and positive and like all I wanted to do was kiss babies and puppies and spread joy. I don't know what this says about me. Is it a black comedy? Sure, I guess. Is it about dysfunctional people? Yep, but then again so is everything these days. Even Seventh Heaven has story lines involving teen pregnancies and well, okay I've never seen an episode but I saw the teasers (I watched a lot of the CW) and they all seemed not normal and mostly pregnant.
But back to LMS. It's really good and it's made by a husband wife team (cute) who make music videos and commercials. So really how could the final product not be good? It was the progeny of nuptial love and an eye for flashy images that induce the desire to buy things. In fact after I saw the movie I went right out and bought a small, potbellied child with glasses and Steve Carrell.
"John Tucker Must Die." Yeah, I saw it, so what? Teen movies are good. I was saddened at the fact that the teens weren't actually planning to kill him though. He had perfectly groomed eyebrows -- and that bothers me on a guy -- and I felt that the movie could have used a touch more excitement. Though, the movie did have most of the requisite components of a teen movie. Hot loser girl? Check. Super sized stereotypes? Double-check with sassy cheerleaders, OCD over-achievers, and a quiet totally sweet, headphone-wearing underdog of a love interest. Guy wearing girl's panties? Yep. And it also has a really catchy soundtrack that forced me to delete half of my iPod playlist because my songs were listed in the credits and were thereby totally corporate and so un-hip.
I kid of course, I put them on a different, private playlist that includes such masterpieces as Lou Bega's "Mambo Number Five" and the Espanol version of Christina Aguilera's "Come on Over." This movie is to me what a colorful, spinning diorama is to a baby.
"The Illusionist." Overview: Paul Giamatti never gets good parts, Edward Norton has a soothing voice and can look sad really well, Jessica Biel further proves that while being hot is nice it really doesn't help in a movie that only has one nude scene and requires acting skills. If it were my pre-college child I would edit the crap out of it and chide it by saying, "why don't you take pride in your work anymore?" And then I would shake my head and sigh and pour myself another glass of wine because my baby is all grown up and a failure.
And now ... "Snakes on a (Mother F*cking) Plane." Look, I know you all think you're way better than this movie. You think that it was built up, that it was a flop, that it didn't live up to your pseudo-intellectual, slightly satirical expectations.
Well you're wrong. No this isn't a differing of opinions, you are flat out wrong. I don't care what the media told you, this was the perfect movie (though it did require its viewing be in some rundown theater where yelling is permitted as well as cockroaches and 40s).
What does this movie have that makes it so perfect? What doesn't this movie have is what you should be asking. Does it have the best theme song of the summer? You better believe it (word up Cobra Starship). Does it have hilariously perverted snakes, gratuitous nudity and an OCD rap star? Hells yes. TV's Cher from "Clueless"? That guy from "Anchorman"? The most boring, nondescript main character ever? Samuel MF-ing Jackson? More gratuitous nudity? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Not to mention the best ending a movie can have: a surf shot. Seriously, my hands are shaking with how good this movie was and I cannot do it justice. I think this is how some people feel when they discover God in a waterfall or jump out of a plane or look into the eyes of their first born child.
I guess what I'm saying is I love you SOAP, I love you. And I love, you too Dartmouth. Welcome back kids.
