Dear Anna and Chris,
I really don't understand all the hype about sophomore summer. As an international student from Canada, I didn't really know what to expect. I tried to understand these foreign concepts of warmth, fun and happiness, but alas, I just don't get it. I'm constantly dripping with sweat, swatting mosquitoes and I'm pretty sure I've exhausted every food option on campus. Please help me; I don't think I can handle seven more weeks of this torture.
Sincerely,
Crying Over Lost Dreams
Dear COLD,
Anna Says:
Wow COLD, I can totally relate. I hail from Minnesota so things like "green colors" or "temperatures above 45 degrees" really alarm me. Don't let peer pressure and these Dartmouth beach beauties convince you that you have to like summer. For the love of God, embrace your pale pasty skin and be proud! When I am feeling too overwhelmed by summer, I do an activity I like to call Simulated Winter. Revert back to our heritage. Go into your room, draw all the curtains, turn the air conditioning on full blast, put on your parka and Northface ski mask and watch the movie the best exemplifies our people, "Fargo." You will feel much better after this little taste of home. Be warned, my associate Christopher may try to convince you to "go outside" or "appreciate sunlight," but we'll be laughing when he is giving himself botox injections at the age of 25 due to sun wrinkles!
Chris Says:
Anna, you ignorant hussy. Your advice completely defies the spirit of sophomore summer! COLD, instead of complaining about sweat and mosquitoes, slap on some bug spray, flop down on the Green with a fan and watch those saucy frisbee players do their thing. Get outside, jump in the river and go to barbeques! Or, if you're looking to make out this summer, word on the street is that taking a crush skinny-dipping is like shooting fish in a barrel. Take it from me, Anna is from Minnesota, the land of ice storms, ice fishing and ice cubes -- she knows nothing about real summer! So instead of Simulated Winter, get some Ben & Jerry's, play some IM sports and whatever you do, don't listen to Tobin.
A Compromise:
Okay, we know we've given you some contradictory advice, so we've decided to come to a diplomatic compromise. Here is what you should do: Put on that parka and get outside in the great outdoors! Perhaps you could install an air conditioning unit next to your favorite spot on the Green, and watch as the Frisbee players gape in awe. Or be bold and try out one of Anna and Chris' favorite pastimes. Instead of Simulated Winter or actually skinny-dipping, try a Dartmouth tradition: Simulated Skinny Dipping. What's that? You don't think it's a tradition? Well that's because you're from Canada and probably hate America. But that's beside the point. If you don't know how to "SSD" and want individual lessons, Anna lives at A House and is usually home by 11. You ponder this Dartmouth.
Until Next time,
Chris and Anna
(Selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused and trying not to kill each other in the process, we know because we've been there.)
