Dear Hannah and Anna,
I've been putting off thinking about graduating all year. This morning, however, during my daily 6 a.m. meditation on the Green, it hit me. I'm leaving this place in three weeks. I haven't sweat this much since I asked Sally Jones to the 6th grade dance, and I have developed a severe tic in my right hand every time I hear someone speak about the inevitable June 11th event-that-shall-not-be-named. How do I still enjoy my last few weeks here? Help.
Sincerely,
'06 in a Quarter-Life Crisis
Dear '06,
Everyone dreads graduation. But don't be scared -- it's not like you're venturing into the world alone (all by yourself, with no friends at all, like the guy in "Silence of the Lambs" with all the skin jackets but no one to put lotion on). It's not like you'll have to feed and clothe yourself for the very first time, and move away from your safe bubble of love, protection and Collis baked goods into the harsh reality of the real world, filled with people who don't understand the meaning of a good self call and who think the "salty dog" is nothing but a euphemism for the male sexual organ.
You're not alone. Some '06s, for example, who may or may not be leaving behind their beloved improv group and all of its members (including a blonde-haired, blue-eyed lass with a charmingly seductive Midwestern accent who occasionally writes advice-themed articles for The D), have started ending every sentence with the phrase " ... this might be the last time." Some examples are: "I'm going to get tofu stir-fry now ... wow ... this might be the last time" or "I'm going to Dick's House to get tested for STDs ... wow ... this might be the last time." Other Dartmouth students, some of whom aren't even graduating, experience this anxiety as well. For example, it's possible (but we're not saying that this happened, or is happening as we speak) that a previously-innocent '08 decided to lock her '06 roommate (and bestie, with whom she occasionally writes advice-themed articles for The D) in her room, refusing to let her out until she agrees to a life partnership and starts wearing a promise ring.
Although we all deal with this in our own way, there are five stages of grief that everyone goes through. To help people understand these extremely complex stages, we've applied them to Dartmouth graduation and offer quotes that someone in this situation might say. Don't be frustrated if you don't understand the stages at first -- they are, after all, extremely complex.
1.DENIAL -- "I'm not graduating."
2.ANGER -- "I hate graduation."
3.BARGAINING -- "How about you graduate instead?"
4.DEPRESSION -- "I'm sad about graduating."
5.ACCEPTANCE -- "Okay. I think I'll graduate."
Wow. Take a moment to reread each of these carefully, then step back and consider. Are you or someone you care about going through any of these stages? Do you feel alone? Need someone to talk to? Is it hard for you to sleep, eat or smile when you see a puppy? Just remember this: with all seriousness, class of '06, you have made Dartmouth just a little bit happier, just a little bit kinder, and just a little bit more attractive ... well, just a little bit more. And for this, we thank you.
But we must leave you with a question ... if one randomly-selected '06 and one randomly-selected '08 competed against each other in a Beauty Pageant, who would win, based solely on attractiveness and not on the talent competition? It's hard to predict because, after all, they were randomly selected. You ponder this, Dartmouth.
Until next time,
Hannah and Anna (selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused ... we know because we've been there)
P.S. Hannah would like to add, "... this might be the last time." Anna would like to add, "Hannah ... I'm really offended that you won't wear my promise ring."
