If you're anything like me, you have a hard time waking up and making it through your first class without the ranting, obscenities, and awkward boners of "Guy & Fellow," the stick-figure comic strip/social commentary of Paul Heintz '06.
Since its conception in summer 2004, it has had wide-reaching effect in our lives: it mocks us, it entertains us, it offends us, it makes us want to jab sharp No. 2 pencils in our eyeballs, but most importantly, it helps us start the day off right. Sadly, today is the last original printing of this infamous cartoon.
The creator of "Guy & Fellow" is a fairly well-known personality on campus. In the frat basement, Heintz has become a notorious "alterna-hard guy," seen scoffing at the triviality of pong while slamming his face against the wall and waxing philosophically about the Arab-Israeli conflict.
To his teammates on the rugby team, he has come to represent something of a Q-side Jesus figure (with the flowing locks and scraggily beard to back it up).
In 2005, he stood up for the average Dartmouth student in his race for Student Assembly President under the slogan, "He is you; vote you." People voted for Noah Riner (slogan: "Save a horse, vote for a dude with a cowboy hat"), but the statement was made: pretty much anybody can run for student body president. To some, Heintz is a troublemaker. To others, he is an engaged Dartmouth student. And to a select few, he's just a really good kisser.
Arguably Heintz's biggest notoriety on campus, however, is his brainchild: "Guy & Fellow." For this reason, instead of interviewing Heintz, I sat down with both Guy and Fellow for discussion about their experiences on Page 8 of The Dartmouth and what the future holds for them, Heintz and the College.
Dartmouth Mirror: Hi Guy, hello Fellow. First off, how did you two meet?
Fellow: Well, I was training for a weight-lifting competition in Buenos Aires with Sheasby and Barniker, and we ran into this dude wearing a backwards baseball hat, or maybe it was an upside-down frying pan -- I have no idea. Anyway, Sheasby wanted to face-chug this dude, but I told him to chill out and go for a drive. Guy -- as his name turned out to be -- turned out to be a huge dickwad, but Barniker and I tolerated him. And we've been friends ever since.
Guy: That's fcking bullsht. We met at a whore house in White River Junction.
DM: So was it love at first sight?
Guy: Nah brah, it was purely sexual. Until Fellow hit up the Boom Boom Lodge and came home with the clap. And pink eye.
Fellow: Others play checkers; they play chess. By themselves. Naked.
DM: I have to ask, what's with all the animosity and obscenities? Did you two have rough childhoods?
Guy: First, I'd like to say you're a f*cking pussy. Second, I was born out of an immaculate conception while Heintz was dropping a deuce over his 2004 sophomore summer in the GB. Consequently, my childhood was full of whining self-righteous tirades on global health by Tick Naranto '06, second-hand smoke and foul odors from Madam Ichaelson '06, and savage maulings administered to me by Feral Feingold '10. Oh, and there were dingleberries. Lots of dingleberries.
DM: Why do Guy's arms disappear in every third frame?
Guy: I am a chronic masturbator.
DM: What's up with the random boners that appear from time to time?
Fellow: Dude, they're not random. They happen every time I picture Nilly Bix '07 naked and on fire. Obvi.
DM: How would you describe your relationship with the character of those other cartoons on page 8?
Guy: Pinces and Phillips suck. They're a B-side imitation of a Q-side imitation of a Z-side imitation of us. Plus, they suck.
DM: What is the worst criticism you've received?
Fellow: Some people accused us of loving Jesus less than they do. Which, I would like to add, is patently untrue. We love Jesus equally, if not slightly more, than they do. But who's counting?!
Guy: Amen.
DM: How many times did Heintz get fired because of Guy & Fellow?
Fellow: Surprisingly, only once. Though if I had a million dollars for every time he almost got fired, I'd have about $19 million.
Guy: Yeah, Bollin Carry '06 didn't have the balls to fire us more than once.
DM: Was today's comic the last "Guy & Fellow" because Heintz got fired again?
Fellow: Nah dude, chill out. That asshole killed us off so he could make a book out of all of our work. Motherf*cker.
Paul Heintz: Speaking of which, you should all think about buying a copy of "The Complete, Annotated Guy & Fellow Anthology." It's only $12 and all profits are going to Hands On Gulf Coast. Blitz "The Dartmouth" to pre-order your copy today.
Guy: Shut the f*ck up, dickhead. Writing books is a huge self-call.
DM: Why is it that the girl in front of me in line at the blitz terminal always has 15 blitzes when she checks it, and I never have any?
Fellow: Because I'm always throwing sickly blitz game in her direction. She's actually in my bed right now, waiting for me and my boner to come home to mama.
Guy: Bullsh*t. You don't get any blitzes.
DM: Who's going to the White House in '08?
Fellow: Roah Niner '06. Dude just needs to reach out a little more to the Christian Right.
DM: What's your position on genocide: yea or nay?
Guy: Nay.
DM: Sushi from the Food Court refrigerators: yea or nay?
Fellow: Yay!
DM: Men who wear those ridiculous baby pouches: yea or nay?
Fellow: Definitely nay.
DM: Is there anything else you'd like to say to the Dartmouth Community before you are officially killed off?
Guy: F*ck you.
