Winter Carnival is a time to enjoy yourself. It's a time to forget about essays and midterms and personal responsibility and to enjoy life as a college student in Hanover, New Hampshire: the snow, the mountains, the rural setting and the free beer. However, not everybody can enjoy the holiday. Indeed, some people have some serious impediments to getting the most out of this weekend. Below are some common problems and my advised solutions.
You're a freshman:
This can be a problem during Winter Carnival for a few reasons. First of all, nobody likes you. Secondly, you've never done this before. Are people going to show up for the Occom Pond Party? Or should you go to the skiway? Decisions, decisions! Furthermore, if you're looking for a game of pong, it's not easy, because everybody is hanging out. So what to do? Funnel whiskey before you leave your dorm room. You'll forget that nobody likes you, and probably make some great new friends.
You don't drink:
(religious/moral reasons) -- Listen, Jesus turned water into wine, not Rockstar Energy Drink.
(worried about academic performance) -- Enjoy your rise to the top of your chosen field. Also, enjoy loneliness.
(don't know how to get alcohol) -- KDE will happily supply all underage drinkers with Keystone Light, this weekend as every weekend, no questions asked.
You don't know what to wear:
(male) -- Going to a frat party? Better wear sweatpants and a T-shirt. Attempting to look good at a frat party is like putting a sign on your back that simultaneously says both "Ding me!" and "Kick me!" Unless, of course, if you're gay, in which case you're offering some great P.R. points for the brotherhood and flashy clothes just make the point more clear for onlookers (unless it's Sig Ep, because everyone knows that they hate all minorities). Going to some other kind of programming? Dude, not sweet, dude.
(female) -- Going to a frat party? Good for you. Better dress up pretty/in line with the theme, though. Does it bother you that your best guy friends are wearing sweatpants and peeing on the floor? Hope not. That's just the way it is. Look nice, but not too too nice. Nobody likes a hussy. Going to some other kind of programming? Good for you! Just wear some Uggs or something. I don't know.
You've never left your room in East Wheelock on a weekend:
Now is a great time to start. What you see is pretty much what it's always like out here in life outside of the admissions packet. Take off your headgear and stay awhile.
You're a professor:
Sick of hearing secondhand what your students do with themselves over these big weekends but never had the courage/time/interest/opportunity/foresight/BAC to make it out? I can understand. It's definitely kosher if you make it to any of the daytime events. The hip-hop concert at Alumni Hall is probably where the line is drawn, though. Unless you're a young and hip hotshot prof who the kids love and your department heads fear. Then you can probably check it out. Better smell like pot, though.
You're a townie:
If it's on the Green, at Occom, or a sporting event, be our guest. However, if it's the Greek scene you're after, I can't make any promises. I heard AEPi is registered Friday night, though! Three kegs! One keg of exclusion and two of self-pity. Have fun!
You're the Princeton Men's Hockey Senior Goaltender Eric Leroux:
Holy Sht, it sucks to be you. I did some research on you: "Full name is Eric James Leroux ... birthday is Dec. 18, 1982 ... son of George and Kelly Leroux ... father works as a consultant after graduating from the Univ. of British Columbia and earning a master's degree from Western Ontario ... mother works as a public health nurse after graduating from Western Ontario ... has a younger brother Graham who is a sophomore at the University of Victoria ... majoring in ecology and evolutionary biology." Holy Sht, now it sucks to be you even more. Touch your nose if you can hear me.
You work for the Hanover Police Department:
Big weekend for you! Better bring an extra pad of blank parking tickets along with you! I know it might be a little heavy, but I figure you're pretty strong at this point from carrying the weight of the knowledge that nobody appreciates you.
You're Assistant Director of Student Activities Eric Ramsey:
Busy weekend for you too, Eric! Wow, those were a lot of kegs you approved! Have fun with the walk-thrus! I have a Sega Genesis with "NBA Jam" hooked up in my common room right now. I challenge you to a match when you come by the house on Saturday night! Dibs on the Knicks, though. John Stockton owes me a dollar.
You're an irate Islamist in the Middle East who just caught wind of some inflammatory depictions of your Prophet Mohammed in a Danish newspaper cartoon as depicted in the American media over the past week:
You're probably too busy burning a Danish flag to make it to Carnival. We'll miss you, but keep up the good work.
You're too ragey for your own good:
Do you fit this categoryselfcall? If everyone else is going to be so nuts this weekend, what does that mean for your personal healthselfcall? Better try to keep things in control this weekenddrinkrubbingalcohol.
